And for Canadian Men’s Health week that’s the message, Don’t Change Much.
I love the motto, “Half fries, half salad, once in awhile” in this radio spot,
There are lots of reasons to start small. Tracy, here on the blog, has been a big advocate of doing less. I’ve written about aiming for a 2/3 vegan diet because a fully vegan diet seems too much and it’s better overall, if it’s sustainable, to just eat fewer animal products.
In general, lots of public health agencies push a moderate message because it’s more likely to be motivational.
But I worry it’s gendered. We send men the moderate message, while women strive for perfection. We tell men that the “dad bod” is hot but there’s no such equivalent as the “mom bod.”
Instead, the message I hear that’s aimed at women is “OMG women, eat less, move more, sleep more, spend more time with your families, advance your careers, GO GO GO!”
It’s hard to imagine the “don’t change much” campaign aimed at women. What might it look like?
When all the fashion magazines featured women with hands (their own or others’) covering their breasts, a thought flickered that hands are much more comfortable than the average bra. Hiding women’s breasts, one way or the other, is standard media fare, and of course in some places women aren’t allowed to go topless in public, a clear gender disparity.
It’s become really hard to find a non-padded bra, even for sports. Yet it’s seriously unpleasant to exercise with sweaty padding. Does anyone really believe in “breathable padding”? Sorry Victoria’s Secret, but my skepticism was well placed.
However, in recent years fashion has shown glimpses of the saucy braless 70s, including the bralette and bandeaus, all pleasant options for small-breasted women. The news even declares that bralessness is in fashion.
Many of us may sneer “how nice for you!” Bralessness and even lightweight bra alternatives are not realistic choices. Many heavy breasted women are simply not comfortable and even experience back pain without support from a bra. Sizes small, medium, and large rarely do the work we need them to do either. Sports bras tend to be sized that way and create a special kind of hell. We end up pinched and unsupported on top of being sweaty.
So I suggest the new move away from bras and padded bras may be good for all women. It marks a greater diversity in the types of breast support and sports tops available for women. The less women are expected to hide our breasts the easier it will be for us to demand comfortable functional support.
Perpetuating all the gender stereotypes when it comes to sex women are said to worry more about looks–see My boyfriend tells me my vagina is too fat–and men are said to worry most about performance.
How to quantify sexual performance though? Don’t worry men. Help is on the way. There’s now a fitness tracker for your penis.
The product can apparently collect all kinds of data about your lovemaking skills – after you’ve finished, the Lovely app connects to your smartphone and provides you with a report, containing information on how many calories you’ve burned, your top and average speed, and even the g-forces you’ve exerted on each other’s respective pelvises.
The Lovely even senses what sexual positions you’ve used, and can apparently tell when things are going well – providing you with handy tips and suggestions on what you should do next time.
So you had 23 minutes of sex, with a top speed of 16 mph and a force of 6g. What does that even mean? The Lovely will let you know that those stats equate to 17 minutes of jogging.
Men like data, I guess. At least that’s the gender stereotype.
I’m amused thinking thinking of the social networking (over) sharing opportunities this presents. “Dave logged 46 minutes of sex this month in two different positions with three partners.” TMI, Dave.
There are so many questions here. “What counts as sex?” is one obvious one. My favourite piece on this theme is Greta Christina’s Are We Having Sex Now or What? I guess at a minimum for the Lovely to count it, the penis has to be in motion. Then there’s the question of feedback on technique. I would think a real live person with whom you’re having sex might be a better choice than your fitness tracker, but call me old-fashioned. Then there’s speed and force of thrusting as the thing that gets measured, rather that say, precision and timing. But I’ll stop here and leave the last comment, dressed up as a meme, from a comment on our Facebook page. Thanks TK!
It’s a bit of a double standard. Last week social media for women was all about asking if we’re beach body ready and for men, it was all about praise for the dad bod. If you’ve been following social media, or even mainstream news, you’ve heard all about the dad bod. I’m not going to comment on the beach body campaign, except to point you to these body positive responses here. You’re welcome.
Now back to the dad bod. What is the dad bod exactly?
The dadbod is a physique characterized by undefined muscles beneath a light layer of flab, usually topped off with a beer belly. “The dad bod says, ‘I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time,'” explains Mackenzie Pearson, a Clemson sophomore, at The Odyssey.
The dad bod is a new trend and fraternity boys everywhere seem to be rejoicing. Turns out skipping the gym for a few brews last Thursday after class turned out to be in their favor. While we all love a sculpted guy, there is just something about the dad bod that makes boys seem more human, natural, and attractive
See more for why women who like men like the dad bod here.
So the dad bod isn’t just achieved by drinking beer and nachos. It’s the kind of body that results from playing hockey or rugby, for example, and then going out after with the guys for pizza and beer. It’s muscle, yes, but with a comforting layer of fat over top.
Who has the dad bod look? Lots of male actors it turns out. Here’s Jason Segel in a very silly movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I’ve written lots here about male bodies and the heightened standards of perfection by which they’re being judged.
Which brings to me to my first point about the dad bod.
Why not the mom bod? None of the articles mention the existence of a similar attractive look for women. “Yes, she plays soccer and hits the gym, but she doesn’t say no to pizza or to sharing cookies with her kids.”
I laughed this week when a old photo of mine popped up in my social media newsfeed because one of my sons had commented on it. I was nervous. It was me in a bikini. What sort of thing would he have said? Please don’t let it be anything mean.
No. My sons aren’t mean. Needn’t have worried. He’d commented, “Mother abs!”
Here’s the photo:
And since I’d been reading all the dad bod stuff with interest, I thought about the photo in the context of mom bod. Yes, you can see muscle. You can also see it’s covered in a layer of fat. Yes, I work out but as my athlete son always says, “six pack abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym.”
A few more thoughts about the dad bod. It’s all about female desire. The talk is pretty aggressively heterosexual. No one mentions the look with which it’s so obviously contrasted, the more sculpted male physique, that’s so often associated with male desire. And it’s also pretty darn het even in the name. It’s the dad bod, not the middle aged guy bod.
Then I wrote more about men in bathing suits, bathing socks really, here.
A new person sent me the Whatever’s Comfortable ad and so prompted a third post. I said a little more about men and bathing suits. See here.
Never let it be said that our readers aren’t into sharing because next a blog reader sent me this video, a non-normatively bodied man dancing in a bathing suit, looking happy and not at all ashamed.
Love it.
But again, do you think it would work with a woman?
If you come across a video featuring a fat woman in a bathing suit, where she’s comfortable in her own skin and the point of the video isn’t to mock her, just let me know.
There’s also some men and bathing suit links, if you’re interested:
When I first blogged about how much I admire men of a certain age for their body comfort on the beach in the post Men: It isn’t junk, people started sending me a certain ad for Southern Comfort.
It’s worth watching. I hadn’t seen it as I don’t have a television.
The ad is part of the Whatever’s Comfortable campaign which Southern Comfort describes as being “all about championing the attitude it takes to be yourself, and celebrates those people who captivate us because of it.”
It’s also spoofed here in an ad for Save the Children.
In the post I wrote that I was worried about how much the world had changed for younger men and how I missed the forgiving furry bellies of older men on the beach.
Our tolerance for men’s bodies that don’t meet our standards of normative thinness is fast going away. (See Men, meet normative thinness for my reflections on this unfortunate leveling down.)
Everybody has their story. Awhile ago were talking about an Italian card game we play at my house when a friend said he couldn’t play it. Scopa reminds him, he said. of the old guys in their speedos making espresso on the beach, playing cards all day.
Coffee? The beach? Cards?
Sounds like a winning combo to me! I’d play cards with the old guys.
And I love the Southern Comfort ad. It makes me smile even though I don’t drink alcohol. But I have wondered what a woman’s version of the “Whatever’s Comfortable” campaign would look like.
Could we even do it? Would we still smile if an older woman, with an imperfect body strolled down the beach in her bikini, smiling?
The internet exploded today with news of yet another body revealing bathing suit for men, the politely named “swimming sock.” (Less polite names make use of every single penis joke you can imagine.)
And actually it sent me right back to high school when a friend of a friend set out to knit all of the boys “peter heaters” which involved getting measurements (of course!) and seeing them modeled to see if they fit properly. I grew up on the east coast of Canada where the beach meant the chilly Atlantic ocean and there was no chance of anyone wearing one in the summer. The “peter heaters” were meant for winter wear.
Back to men and skimpy bathing suits. The one on the far right is the “sock.”
Reactions from friends ran the gamut but the most common reaction is the one that really troubles me. It’s body shaming, the boy version.
“It’s okay if some hot guy wears it but just image the fat, hairy, old guys.”
I hear this from women who I know are sensitive to criticism of women’s bodies. They would speak up if someone said that about an older woman in a bikini. What is it about men’s bodies that makes some people so uncomfortable? Is it so wrong to like a diverse range of male bodies?
And what is it with those knee length baggy swim shorts that lots of men of all ages wear? I miss Australia where men wear “budgie smugglers” (as they say) and New Zealand where men wear short shorts.
And you know what? I love those old fat wrinkly guys in their speedos. Why? I feel completely free to wear my bikini. If they can do it, so can I.
My least favourite expression comes from men themselves. “Who wants to see some guy’s junk?” Stop calling it “junk.” Please.
If you want to wear one in my hot tub, that’s just fine. It’s a body shame free zone. A fashion shame free zone too.
I’m sick…. ill, and I’m really happy about it! I’m relieved to know that I have sleep apnea, and especially that it’s severe. Although my treatment hasn’t started, good treatment is available. Also, there is a definite physical reason behind some of the problems I’ve had in recent years, even though it’s an extremely serious condition. The regular interruption of breathing that defines apnea can cause serious strain on the heart in addition to some of the other symptoms that are more easily observed and that have troubled me. Obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) is common, often arising in middle age (I’m 48), though less in women than men. Mine may be encouraged by allergies, sinus problems, a small jaw, and body weight. (Non-obstructive or central sleep apnea (CSA) is due to problems with how the brain controls sleep.)
In recent years I’ve known something was wrong with me. I seem always tired, lethargic, and have trouble concentrating. I can nap pretty much any time of the day. I may be more irritable too. I thought I was being lazy, not trying hard enough, failing to manage my time. It was hard not to beat myself up. Or perhaps this was related to my migraines or tension headaches. Maybe I was depressed?
I worked on my organization, I got more exercise, set multiple alarms for the morning, put inspirational notes next to the bed to help me get up, and treated my headaches more seriously. They all helped, but I’m still tired most of the time, and the stress of the situation actually did make me depressed. Another problem seemed to be my recent dramatic snoring. Sometimes the dog even left the bed! I live alone and so have little idea how I sleep, but when there was occasion, others observed not just the horrific noise but that I seemed to have trouble breathing.
I tried sleeping on my side, which helps my snoring but also aggravates my shoulder and hip problems. It turns out that I have mild apnea on my side, and severe (stopping breathing about once a minute) on my back where I prefer to sleep mostly. That was the diagnosis from the sleep study, in which the patient gets all hooked up with electrodes of various sorts (including glue in the hair,) a snoring microphone (!), and a breath monitor. (In a private room like a tiny institutional hotel with a shared bathroom.)
Now I have the choice of the very effective CPAP machine (standing for Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) which would normally be the obvious choice since I have adequate health coverage. Many of my friends find the machine has changed their lives — yeah, they say that, almost all of them.
Sure, some complain that it’s embarrassing to have to wear the mask to bed, making one an unattractive bed partner, like Darth Vader. But it must be better than the snoring, to be sure; and if that’s a deal breaker, it’s not much of a “deal.” Also, some people find the mask uncomfortable, and while they’ve made big improvements in design in recent years nobody wants to wear an apparatus on their head if they don’t have to; so sometimes people refuse to use it or don’t use it regularly. My problem is that I have a rare genetic vascular condition (HHT) that manifests in ways that mean that I can’t scuba dive, of all the odd things, because of the forced air; I suspect the positive air pressure of the CPAP may pose a similar problem. I’m waiting for advice from my specialist, but it may be best for me to try the alternative dental appliance; it’s not typically best for severe sleep apnea, but it may be best for me.
One downside of this diagnosis is the complication to my body image: weight loss can eliminate sleep apnea. I would certainly love to lose some weight. Yet of course, as the sleep specialist understood, I’d have done that already if I could.
On the other hand, people do lose weight sometimes as a result of addressing their sleep apnea. More energy makes them more active, I suspect, and less inclined to seek energy in food; though an improvement in mood might help too. Anticipating this reminds me of the perverse pleasure so many of us have when an illness makes us lose weight: “because of the flu last month I can get into my old jeans!” Although if I should lose weight from treating my sleep apnea, it would be due to improved health. I just need to resist letting that possibility fuel weight loss fantasies that take up time I could be spending actually enjoying my life.
Time and energy are the real promise of treatment. In my homemade efforts to fight the energy loss from sleep apnea I got more active; now — with treatment — I should be able to perform and recover better (running-walking with my dog and yoga, recently the quite ambitious ashtanga style), and I’ll have the time to exercise more. I’ll keep repeating that to myself, and let the weight fall where it may.
I didn’t see it on Superbowl Sunday because I didn’t watch the Superbowl. But I was intrigued when I heard on the Friday morning news that the NFL was sponsoring a Public Service Announcement by a group called No More. No More’s website describes it as a movement designed to end domestic violence and sexual assault:
NO MORE is a movement to raise public awareness and engage bystanders around ending domestic violence and sexual assault launched in 2013 by a coalition of leading corporations, advocacy and service organizations. NO MORE is supported by hundreds of domestic violence and sexual assault organizations at the local, state and national levels that are using its signature blue symbol to increase visibility and funding to address these critical issues. Any individual, organization, or corporation that wants to end domestic violence and sexual assault can use the NO MORE symbol to show their commitment to this cause.
The Superbowl is known for its big production ads, and the spot donated to the PSA was worth $5,000,000.00.
The chilling ad is based on a real 911 phone call in which a woman pretends to order a pizza so that her abuser, who is in the room, doesn’t know that she’s calling for help. Here’s the psa:
Over a hundred million people tuned in the game yesterday, so that’s a lot of exposure for a campaign against domestic violence — an issue that rarely gets its due.
But the ad is not without its critics. First of all, the league responded minimally to the Ray Rice incident. In a sickening video that went viral last summer, player Ray Rice punched his then fiance (now spouse) in an elevator so hard he knocked her out. A video surveillance camera caught the entire appalling incident on film, including Rice subsequently dragging his partner out of the elevator like a sack of potatoes.
The league’s initial response to the incident: Rice was “suspended for the first two games of this season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy following his offseason arrest for domestic violence.”
But there’s more: “Rice also was fined an additional regular-season game check but is eligible to participate in training camp and all of Baltimore’s preseason games, the NFL announced.”
After saying how disappointed he was to be missing out on some games, Rice said:
My goal is to earn back the trust of the people, especially the children, I let down because of this incident. I am a role model and I take that responsibility seriously. My actions going forward will show that.
His coach said:
It’s not a big deal. It’s just part of the process. We said from the beginning that the circumstances would determine the consequences. There are consequences when you make a mistake like that. I stand behind Ray. He’s a heck of a guy. He’s done everything right since. He makes a mistake. He’s going to have to pay a consequence.
Airing the No More PSA is one tiny step in the direction of repairing its reputation for tolerating this kind of violence.
In an article in The Guardian, Jessica Valenti notes that “a 30-second spot doesn’t undo the years of damage the NFL has wrought on domestic violence issues, nor does it change the culture of violence and coverups that plague the league.”
And in an article onFeministing, Mychal Denzel Smith talks about the type of masculinity the NFL promotes. That, he says, is what we need to be talking about. That is what the NFL could take a lead role in re-shaping:
The NFL is in a unique position, as one of the most visible arbiters of the cultural definition of masculinity. That definition of masculinity as dominant, violent, and controlling contributes to a culture in which violence against women is not regarded as a serious enough issue to warrant collective outrage. The NFL could be fostering a dialogue with men about how and why this definition of masculinity is dangerous and oppressive. It could be engaging boys and young men in an unlearning process and re-education around the values embedded in these archaic forms of masculinity, and questioning the health and vitality of those models. It should be starting that engagement and dialogue with its players and personnel.
Not wanting to be completely negative, he says:
Again, I don’t want to completely shit on this ad. Millions upon millions of people are going to see it and be forced to reckon with it during a time in which they’d like to run away from the issue. They will have to remember that some people don’t have the privilege of turning away. Conversations will be had.
However, this ad also doesn’t really demand anything more from us than the status quo. At the end, it says “When it’s hard to talk, it’s up to us to listen.” But if the only thing we’re being asked to do is have compassion after someone has already experienced violence, we’re accepting that violence as a part of culture. We’re conceding something I’d rather not — that we can’t prevent men from beating women. We can only care for these women’s wounds.
That’s an important observation. We don’t just need to have compassion for women who experience domestic violence, we need to address the cultural assumptions about masculinity that are at the root of violence against women to begin with. Violence does not need to be part of our culture.
This eye-opening book links gender-based pay and scholarship inequity with male violence and male domination in sports and society at large. As this book points out, athletes who rape and male coaches who brag of beating their wives are often dismissed by our culture with a “boys will be boys” attitude. Formerly competitive co-ed sports have been replaced with sex-segregated sports after a woman wins against male competitors. Those dubious signals sent to boys such as “don’t throw like a girl” are all designed to glorify masculinity and keep it safe from so-called female interference and contamination.
When did that book come out? Twenty years ago, in 1995.
I heard today that last night’s game was the most watched event in television history, breaking records for tv and social media. You might say that’s a lot of people getting exposed to the 30-second version of the No More PSA. And that’s true.
But the game is a lot longer than 30 seconds. And what it represents in the fabric of North America society is a fairly entrenched tradition that embraces, with very little critical commentary, a mainstream and disturbing view of masculinity.
It’s that very understanding of masculinity that contributes to a culture in which women count for less and where a first reasonable response to knocking your fiance unconscious is a three-game suspension.
