Reminder about these reminder posts: I’ve decided to use the last few posts in January to remind you about key things that I may have touched on or written about before. If it seems kind of familiar, it probably is, but I think it’s worth revisiting.
When you are starting a new practice, building a new habit, trying to expand your life in some ways, there are going to be rough spots, tricky spots. There will be some friction.
I’ve already written about a variety of approaches to deal with specific and common fictions but the main idea at the root of each approach is to treat yourself with intense self-kindness.
You are a delightfully imperfect person trying to do a hard thing.
The fact that you face some challenges in the process doesn’t mean you aren’t working hard enough, it doesn’t mean that you are flawed, it doesn’t mean that you don’t really want the thing.
It simply means that the overall project is tricky.
It’s ok, as a normal person, even as a normal person who sometimes does extraordinary things, to find hard things hard.
And what’s hard for you may come easily to someone else, what’s easy for you may be hard for them.
The only way past those rough/tricky/friction spots is to be kind to yourself about them.
If you are mean or indifferent to yourself about them, they will feel harder AND you will waste time arguing with yourself about your feelings.*
Having that internal argument will leave you feeling down, hopeless, and stuck. You don’t need that!
Instead, I would like to see you start with self-kindness and address your challenges from that perspective.
Self-kindness doesn’t mean a lack of commitment or a lack of discipline. It means approaching the challenge at hand from a place of understanding.
This isn’t about just being nice to yourself and just saying ‘Oh well!’ when things don’t work out.
It’s about recognizing that you are a good person who is doing what they can with the resources they have.
It’s about speaking gently to and about yourself as you find ways to address the challenge at hand.
It’s about finding the resources and support you need to forge ahead with your plan, instead of blaming yourself for not already having them.
It’s about not only recognizing that you have different capacities on different days but adjusting your plans accordingly.
It’s about matching your expectations to your capacity – if you just started martial arts in January, there’s no amount of dedication and practice that can make you a black belt by June. Instead, it’s kinder to yourself to pour your energy into becoming a very skilled yellow belt.
It’s about using all the tools in your motivational toolbox for habit-building however and whenever you need them.
It’s about treating yourself kind and offering yourself support as you work through the process, no matter what the outcome.
Intense self-kindness will get you further than self-recrimination ever will – and you will feel better in the process.
So, Team, here’s your happy little gold star for today. It’s for your efforts toward your habits and for your efforts to be kind to yourself.
Self-kindness isn’t always easy – many of us weren’t taught much about it – but it is always worth it.
*Feelings aren’t a waste of time but arguing with yourself about how you should (*shudder* I hate that word!) feel is a waste of time.
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