I’m not going to argue in favour of Zwift racing, I’ll save that for another post. 🙂
But to be clear, even when I give the argument it’s not going to be the kind of argument that seeks to persuade those who know that they don’t like racing.
Short version though: It’s a great way of tracking your individual performance and improvement, and in the case of bike racing it’s as much about co-operation and teamwork as it is about competition. There’s also a pretty big element of strategy in some kinds of bike races.
Hand holding an ice cream cone with clouds as the ice cream
“Let’s just take it as given that some of us do care about speed, that it’s an aesthetic thing that doesn’t need an explanation, like preferring chocolate ice cream to vanilla ice cream. You can say what you like about chocolate but that doesn’t give reasons for the vanilla ice cream lover to switch.
That said, lots of us do care about speed and keep caring about speed as we age. From that point of view, this is mostly good news. Training still works, you can keep your speed, and slowing down isn’t a physiological necessity. Yay! There are bad news bits. Getting in that much training and the right kind of training becomes a lot more complicated. You don’t just have to care, you have to REALLY CARE. And there’s the rub.
I’m going to blog later about what I like about racing and speed. My pitch for chocolate ice cream as it were. I want to be clear what it is I’m doing when I do that. I’m describing what I get out of it, and what you might like about it too, but there aren’t reasons or arguments. It’s totally okay not to care and like what you like.”
OK, back on track, to the main point of this post. If you want to race on Zwift, first, get yourself over to ZwiftPower and register.
What’s ZwiftPower? “Put simply, ZwiftPower is a community-driven website that complements the Zwift app. It lets Zwift racers and race organisers track results and check out all the details of the races they’ve participated in, as well as monitoring and analysing their data.”
It’s the official results site for all Zwift races. You need to be on ZwiftPower to be actually in the race. Otherwise, with some rare exceptions, you’re just along for the ride.
Based on your performance and FTP ZwiftPower will assign you a category for racing. It also tracks your power in a range of different timed categories which let you know if you’re a good all rounder, a sprinter, or best at long endurance efforts.
It’s not the most intuitive website around but there’s lots of information about teams, races, performance, and results.
Zwift Power
Second, start by trying out some individual time trials. It’s just you and your bike against the clock. There’s no drafting and no interaction with other bikes.
“A time trial is a race between you and the clock. It’s the “Race of Truth.” No drafting, no teammates, no tactical games – just you and your bike, trying to cover a certain distance in the fastest time you can. They work a little differently than other races on Zwift. When you sign up for a TT event, you’ll get an individual start time (equal to or after the event’s start time). Make sure to log in and join the event before that time, and your avatar will line up on one of the conveyor belts in the starting pen. These belts will move riders up and release them in staggered starts. Start pedaling before the countdown hits zero. When it’s time for your row to leave the pen, your avatar will speed up to 20 miles per hour for a rolling start. Cross the line and it’s go time!”
Some races automatically put you on a time trial bike but if not go to your garage in Zwift and select the time trial bike.
Time trials are a great intro to racing and they’re a great way to mark progress over time.
My fave is La Bicicletta Toronto Supper TT, Wednesday at 630 pm ET. Often it’s on Fuego Flats, 15 km, which I also love.
Third, having done some ITTs check out out your FTP and go back and see what category ZwiftPower says you are and then go out and do some short, road races, where you can draft with other people and work together to reach the line.
My club, TFC, also has a beginners’ category in our Friday night series. It’s usually shorter and flatter than the main race but it’s unforgiving in terms of power and categories. You get DQed if you go over the watts per kilo for D. It’s not so useful if you’re a speedy beginner!
Bike race
Fourth, okay you’re on ZwiftPower and you’re doing some ITTs and some beginner races, what’s next? I love team time trials. I also love racing with a club and the camraderie that comes with that. You can try out a bunch of Zwift bike clubs, check out their vibe, and their regular racing schedule and commitment. At TFC we run a Monday night and a Friday night race as well as taking part in the WTRL team time trial series. Sarah is a member of ZSUN and you can read about her team members here.
Racing is better with teammates
Do you race on Zwift? What’s your ‘getting started’ advice?
I just logged workout number 371 of 2020. I was aiming for 220 but obviously I’ve overshot the mark.
Now people are asking me if I’m aiming for 400. There are twenty five days left until 2021 and twenty nine workouts to 400. That’s one workout a day everyday plus four days with a bonus workout.
Calendar
And you know what? I could do that. But I’m not sure why I would. I had a goal of 220 and I’ve surpassed it. Yay! There’s no need to up the ante.
I mean it might be that I do make it to 400. I’m riding my bike most days on Zwift. I’m using the TRX and the kettlebell a couple of days a week. I’m also walking Cheddar and doing Yoga with Adriene.
Clearly I’m not opposed to working out more. It’s just that I want to resist the need for perpetual MORE. I posted similar ambivalent thoughts about upping my annual bike distance goal.
If I get to 399 and I’d rather be reading a book or I’m making progress on my writing or I’m baking some cookies, I expect I’ll feel okay to just let it go.
I was supposed to be on a casual chat catch up zoom call recently. They’re a great bunch of people, but it was warm here, with no wind, no rain, and only a light grey sky. Not bad for late November for an island in the North Atlantic. So I ditched the call, gathered up weeds, planted a few bulbs, cleaned the deck and put away the flower pots for the winter.
Photo by Mari Potter on Unsplash Image shows two withered apples on a tree empty of leaves.
You don’t have to be as productive as that to get the benefit of fresh air. Take a quick walk, do a mini-clean up, stick your head out the window or door and take five deep breaths, or sit on a step and look up at the sky. (Watching clouds go by is hugely underrated in my opinion but I find looking up always gives you a different perspective.) Unless it is blowing a gale out, you won’t melt and the cobwebs will leave your brain.
Gif shows high winds blowing palm trees on a beach.
December is the most pensive month, or so it seems when I look back on blog posts past. It’s also full of advance-of-New-Year fitness promises and plans, all shiny and new and wrapped up like holiday gifts to oneself. In this post, from December 2016, I rhapsodized about my newly-conceived every-day winter walking plan:
Walking in winter (so far) also feels quieter and more calm than walking in other seasons. Here, the trees are bare and sometimes the sky is gray, or it’s a crystal blue. The air is crisp, and sometimes the wind is blowing. But walking, I’m ready for it… right now, early winter walking is a quiet pleasure, perfect for the period before harsher winter arrives.
Yeah, I wafted away on a cloud of fragrant prose there. My apologies.
We all get carried away sometimes.
However, the most lovingly-laid and loudest-trumpeted plans didn’t play out the way I hoped. In December 2017, I wrote about it here:
For me, this challenge was a bust. I didn’t have the oomph to do it. It just made me feel resentful, overburdened, under-exercised, and inferior to my obviously-better-life-manager compatriots.
Of course this is no surprise. Challenges can be motivating, but also can trigger resentments, fears, anxiety– you name it.
Now here we are, a year later… In the midst of it, I feel– calm. A bit quieter than usual. Slow and deliberate. The indirect light suits me. The early dusk I find entrancing. This is a new experience and completely unexpected.
HAVE I LEARNED NOTHING?!
Jean-Luc Picard is also frustrated by my continued lack of self-knowledge.
Sigh. I’m afraid to say I continued in the same vein, burbling on about everyday yoga (which I did actually do) and setting up my bike trainer for regular indoor workouts (which I didn’t do).
By December of 2018, I had wised up to my inner Bronte-esque winter fitness heroine, stopping her in her flowy tracks before she could trip me up again. In this post, I admitted that my previous posts were more aspirational than realistic. The two pictures below illustrate the contrast.
Wafty fantasy figure which is my december exercise plan.
Screaming mimi, choking on to-do lists and post-its.
My plan for the month was as follows:
doing a bunch of yoga, mostly in very small bits
walking more
sleeping 8 hours at least, because I have to in order to function
being present for my family, trying to maintain boundaries of some sort
accepting that my house will be super-messy and my writing obligations will have to wait and that my body is actually helping me do all these things so thank you body
Forget ethereal. I’m going for pragmatic this season.
Two years later, it’s December 2020. What does this end-of-year time look like?
Because of COVID, my work/life boundaries are pretty shot. This means less time devoted to relaxing, exercise, fun stuff.
Because of COVID, I’m alone most of the time. A few friends come to my house sometimes for porch visits or n95-masked short visits. It’s not enough, but I’m grateful for the contact.
Because of COVID (plus other things), my sleep schedule is pretty shot. I’m responding my letting myself get enough sleep (schedule permitting), even if it means losing some mornings.
Because of COVID (plus other things), my eating is more dis-regulated than usual. This is a day-to-day changeable thing, made better by more sleep and more movement and more meditation.
So, what’s my phrase for COVID-December, 2020? Weathering the storm.
A woman, shoulder-deep in water, holding a tiny red umbrella against rain and clouds.
Here’s how I’m doing it:
Because of COVID, there’s loads of online yoga. I’m doing some.
I’m meditating every day. Really. For realz. It’s not always fun, but it’s always happening.
I’m leaving the house 4 days out of 7 each week, walking, doing errands, etc. I’d love to say I do it every day, but it’s not happening. Okay then.
I’m talking to friends and family a lot– on the telephone (yes, I use my phone for real-time person-to-person audio communication), over Facetime, Zoom, and in person when possible and safe.
AND: I’m continuing to write for all of you about my relationship with fitness, wellness, sadness, and presence. It feels a bit like talking to long-time friends.
What’s your watchphrase for December? I’d love to know.
Sam (and now Cate too) have blogged lots about their Zwift experiences both before and since the start of the pandemic. With the bike trainer the most readily available fitness option, I’ve also been doing lots of virtual riding and racing, especially team time trials (TTTs) in a league organized by WTRL. When I first started racing in the team time trial format for the ZSUN team back in April, my first rides were with a team called ZSUNR Quasar (all ZSUN Racing TTT teams are named for celestial bodies or constellations), until I was able to join a team that races in an evening time slot.
This video gives an idea of how a TTT works – riders from the same team all ride together, taking turns riding as hard as they can on the front of the group, then moving back and using each others’ draft to recover.
I recently made a guest (re-)appearance with ZSUNR Quasar in the annual WTRL TTT World Championships. We had a great race and were the fastest in the world of all the teams in our category (Vienna, women’s teams up to 3.2 watts/kg). We were so fast we beat all the teams in the next category up (Vienna-Latte, women’s teams who have up to three riders at 3.7 watts/kg) and were faster than many teams in even higher categories.
Team results
ZSUNR Quasar is made up of many riders from around the world, not all of whom are available to race each week, but who support in other ways, from acting as DS (a “directeur sportif” is a person who directs a cycling team during a road bicycle racing event), to helping with strategy and tactics, to sending encouragement during the race.
E-sports championships at the world level require you to prove you aren’t “weight doping”, claiming you weigh less (or more) than you do in real life to gain an unfair advantage. While the members of the championship race roster were busy recording verification videos, I sent out a questionnaire to the team chat to showcase the diverse backgrounds and lives of world champion Zwift riders (including many Canadians – must be something in the cold snowy air).
Alison LeBlanc on her real world bike
Name: Alison LeBlanc
Nickname: Sugar (🤷🏼) – I think it was given to me on the Tuesday ZSun Ladies Social Ride over Discord by Alina & Iva [ZSUNR], they both felt I needed a nickname and it was discussed that I am very nice and sweet like sugar. I was in the group ride at the time listening to this and it happened really quickly so I knew there was nothing I could do about it.
Location: Aurora, Ontario, Canada
Age: 47
What do I do for work/fun: I stayed home from work to raise my kids (twins); my husband travelled a lot so it made sense. This gave me the opportunity to volunteer at their elementary school and it was something I did enjoy. I like to hike, travel, garden and just enjoy the outdoors (in the summer)
How did I get into Zwift: I always rode bikes, recreationally when the kids were younger. My husband, Craig, is the avid cyclist in the family. He started Zwifting in 2017. At the time, I had no interest in Zwift because I was actively involved in Karate and Kickboxing classes. At the end of 2018, I had received my second degree black belt and felt the desire for a change so I tried Zwifting. At first, I rode routes at my own pace a couple of days a week and did the occasional workout. Eventually, it all clicked and I found myself enjoying group rides 4 to 5 times a week. While my first ZSun group ride was a disaster, I had wanted to try the ZSun Ladies Social group ride and did a month later. The pace and company were great (as it still is today) and this has become my favourite group ride! I was eventually asked when I was going to join ZSun Racing so I jumped in with both feet into WTRL TTT (May 2020).
My experience racing with ZSUNR Quasar: So far I have raced with 3 teams – Comets, Quasar and Pluto. Each team has felt completely different to me. Every week I look forward to racing with a great group of ladies from all over who want to have fun and kick ass. There is so much support across every level of cycling. These races have helped improve my cycling power and make me want to continue to improve. I also want to contribute everything I have to each race.
Sylvie Holmes
Name: Sylvie Holmes Nickname: Wingman. I joined the ZSUN Chain Gang ride fairly early on in 2016/17. It was a fast and long ride at the time and when the leader said stay with the lead, I took it to heart and I stuck! I’ve also always enjoyed joining Zwift friends in their challenges and therefore the nickname “Wingman” 🙂 Location: Dundas, Ontario, Canada Age: 56 years young 😊 What do you do (work/fun): I stopped working in the work world when our first child was born and became a stay at home mom to 3 boys and a daughter. So work/ fun was taking care of a busy family. I love cooking for family and friends and being active. We are lucky to live steps away from a Conservation Area where there are plenty of trails. We moved here with a young family where hiking, followed by biking in trails, orienteering just became something we did as a family. Our young adults still move in and out due to school and work but my husband and I still enjoy hitting the trails, on foot or on bikes. It is great to have something that keeps you moving, whatever your “thing” is. What is your experience racing with ZSUNR team Quasar: I have had the opportunity to race with some amazing and strong women as part of this team. The friendships and the mutual support is wonderful and makes all of us strive to put our best efforts forward. It has also been a fun learning experience as far as team trial races go. The friendships made here and within the broader team, go far beyond the zwift platform. I love seeing how far we can all push ourselves to be our best, while all being supportive of each other.
We don’t do road cycling really. I don’t own a road bike. Zwift is the closest I get to road cycling. Being a part of the ZSUN ladies teams has been a wonderful learning adventure and so many new friends made around the globe. The Quasar team trial races have been a wonderful, as well as a challenging, team event.
Willemijn
so, my name is Willemijn. it’s a typical Dutch name. but I am living is Switzerland now for over ten years. Between the big mountain passes. my nickname is Choo choo the chocolate train. during the social rides there is always a moment where talk of chocolate and cake kicks in. So I told them there is a chocolate train running in Switzerland. which of course was hard to believe. It’s not made of chocolate but it runs through the Gruyere region with final stop at the Caillier chocolate factory. That’s how I got my nickname.
located in Ilanz, Switzerland
age 42
trained as a psychiatric nurse. switched to public transport. and now working as bus driver. I have two boys 5 & 7 yo. When I am not working or Zwifting it’s family time. walking in the mountains, skiing during the winter season.
Zwift is part of my life since 2015. you know, when it still had ghost riders and it was a record when 600+ riders where there. and then only on watopia hilly route. I used it only during winter season and definitely not as much as last two years.
my zwifting experienced changed a lot. from mainly alone to seldom alone these days. Always a little anxious with new things and meeting new people, it was Alina AKA Goat with her warm and inviting personality that pulled me in ZSUN. At first only the social rides and last March with half the World in Lockdown with the racing. It really helped me to stay sane. have something to distract and looking forward to. friends for life around the globe. could not have imagine it two years ago. but never want to miss it again.
raced with Quasar at the beginning. without DS we just did it racing together get over the line together. then Paul started to DS us around. And slowly getting more serious.
Carol Scott racing her track bike
Name: Carol Scott
Nickname: YoYo – I have cycled competitively on and off since I was 12, so many comebacks mean YoYo is pretty apt
Location: Scotland
Age: 56
What do you do when you’re not Zwifting (for work / for fun):
Worked in IT after leaving UNI but had to give that up and I consider myself very lucky that I could make that choice. Moved to an old house, built 1860 ish so do a lot of fixing.
How did you get into riding on Zwift:
I stopped cycling due to pro-lapsed disc 2008, sold all my bike equipment as I thought I wouldn’t cycle again. A few years later bought a wattbike to try and keep fit as couldn’t ride outside and by coincidence Zwift had just started and I got addicted. I now have a Neo and a dedicated Zwift shed in the garden.
What is your experience racing with ZSUNR Quasar:
I’m a newbie to Quasar (only 3rd time racing in the team) as couldn’t join at the start as I had to have a hysterectomy in April. The FOMO kept me going in comeback #99 (YoYo reference 😉) . Now those guys have put in stellar work over the summer and have mega-zwift TTT skills so all that have ridden for the team should be real proud and it is an honour to join.
Is there anything else you’d like us to know about you:
Myself and three other ladies in my cycling club competed at the World Master Track competition in 2019, set a Scottish record for 3km Team Pursuit on the track. Track cycling, especially Points Races, have been my forte in later years but I started of time-trialling in Scotland when I was 12 and competed for Scotland in some road races in the 1980’s.
Amy Barlow
Name: Amy Barlow
Nickname: Rex
My nickname was picked during the WTRL Team Time Trial series by my first team the Comets. I was determined to get my Tron bike before the next week’s race, so I spent a week climbing NONSTOP. In appreciation of my determination the team came up with the name Tronosaurus and it got shortened to Rex.
Location: St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada
Age: 41
What do you do when you’re not Zwifting (work/fun): I am an early retiree and need to keep busy so when I’m not cycling I enjoy my work as a grad student. I am currently working on my PhD and am teaching first year undergraduate students.
How did you get into riding on Zwift: I started on Zwift to keep/gain some fitness over the winter. I had always taken the entire winter off from cycling and needed to keep doing what I loved over the winter.
What is your experience racing with ZSUNR Quasar: I have been racing with ZSUNR Quasar since September. After having participated on other teams; Comets and Pluto I got moved to Quasar and haven’t looked back. The team dynamics of Quasar are different than my previous teams but the ladies work very hard together and we all push each other to our absolute limits.
Winning the WTRL World Championships is an incredible accomplishment that was only possible through the dedication and teamwork of those that make up team Quasar whether they rode during the World Championship week or not. Our ladies support each other on and off the bike 24/7 (as we are an international team). This World Championship accomplishment belongs to all the ZSUNR ladies through the support they offer whoever is racing.
Is there anything else you’d like us to know about you: Cycling creates such a sense of camaraderie. I have made friends from all over the world on Zwift that I consider family.
Meredith Davies
Name: Meredith Davies
Nickname: “Bits” – The story of “Bits” begins with my kind and generous teammates, who have extensive cycling knowledge, and their attempts to guide me through my very first experience with saddle sores. This is something that, irrespective of anatomy, can plague any rider, but is rarely discussed due to its delicate nature. After learning about every potential accessible pharmacological (or otherwise – Google jellyfish nectar, Australian engine starters, etc.) product for treatment, I decided that, perhaps, creating a more pleasant environment for riding should be my goal. I begged and pleaded for my teammates to share their opinions on saddles and bib shorts, and said that I was willing to “break the bank for my bits”. Little did I know that my lovely teammates would never let me live that down.
Location: Greater Sudbury, Ontario, Canada
Age: 37
What do you do when you’re not Zwifting: I thoroughly enjoy peeling playdough off the floor and trying to keep toilets from being clogged with various household items. When I’m not pretending to be a successful mother, I am teaching Fitness and Health Promotions.
How did you get into riding on Zwift: My background is in exercise sciences, and part of my personal and professional fitness included group fitness instruction. When fitness facilities were closed, I wanted a different challenge. I have always enjoyed cycling, but never seriously considered it as a passion or focus for my fitness. The challenges that Zwift provided were numerous, and the ability to track data has helped me achieve greater fitness goals. The best part about Zwift was the opportunity to connect socially with like-minded people around the world, some of whom I would now consider friends.
What is your experience racing with ZSUNR Quasar: After doing a few team time trial races with ZSUNR, I wished for a more competitive experience, and was placed with the women of Quasar. After my first race, I knew I was in way over my head and barely finished the first few races with them. The team was phenomenally encouraging, pushing me each week to improve. Much of my improvement from July-September was due to the intense nature of each weekly ride with Quasar.
When Zwift offered the Zwift Racing League, I stepped away from Quasar to ride with another team within ZSUNR called miZSUNderstood, to challenge myself in new ways with more individual races. However, when the world championships came along, Quasar welcomed me back with open arms, and I had the opportunity to ride alongside these strong women once more. I will always be grateful to these ladies and their drive and commitment. The ZSUNR ladies racing team is extremely supportive and are always the first to challenge each other and celebrate the successes of the team.
Is there anything else you’d like us to know about you? I’ve also competed and placed in the World Tuna Flat championships
Sarah measuring in!
Name: Sarah Pie
Nickname: Pie
Location: Toronto and Guelph, Ontario, Canada
Age: 46
What do you do when you’re not Zwifting (work/fun): I am a mechanical engineer who specializes in high rise residential and commercial buildings. Besides road cycling and fat biking, I love dinghy sailing and canoe camping.
How did you get into riding on Zwift: While I started riding occasionally during the winter months at the Bike Shed (https://thebikeshed.ca/), I got into Zwift in earnest as my primary means of exercise during the pandemic.
It wasn’t long before my competitive nature found that racing was way more motivating than workouts or group rides. One of ZSUN’s most dedicated volunteers and ride leaders, Alina “The Goat” kindly connected me with the ZSUN Racing community and I haven’t looked back
What is your experience racing with ZSUNR Quasar: I raced with Quasar during the early months of the pandemic. I look forward to the Thursday TTT race all week, even though it was incredibly challenging every week. As one of the slowest members of the team I was riding at or above threshold for most of the race, sucking the wheels of the faster riders. While you’d think that competitiveness might have been what kept me hanging week after week, but it’s actually the incredible generosity and team spirit of the women of the ZSUN Racing Team that made some pretty impossible efforts seem possible. There is incredible joy and camaraderie in suffering together, knowing that every bit of effort you put out will make you faster and lighten the burden on your teammates.
Is there anything else you’d like us to know about you: The goofy looking photo is a still image from my height verification video. I think you can see my giddy excitement as well as my maple leaf shorts and lucky coffee socks.
Tracy Wright
Name: Tracy Wright
Nickname: Sweets (seemingly love of cakes/sweets/icecream but also that someone said I was super sweet)
Location: Stoke on Trent UK
Age: ooooh secret for nxt year will be out. 49
What do you do when you’re not Zwifting (for work / for fun)?: I’m a health&safety/quality consultant in the automotive repair industry. Love going to live rock gigs and watching/playing footy
How did you get into riding on Zwift?: booked to cycle London2Paris IRL and was concerned about getting miles in so hubby introduced me to the world of zwift
What is your experience racing with ZSUNR Quasar?: shamazeballs- these ladies are so so encouraging, supportive, funny and fabulous. We work hard but don’t kinda take ourselves tooooo seriously, just fab. Is there anything else you’d like us to know about you?: I’m a music ‘metal head’ who has appeared in an AC/DC video
I love music playlists. Feeling tired? Try some Pointer Sisters. Guaranteed to pick you up. Nerves feeling jangly by too much stimulus? Call up some Enya and chill. Regardless of my mood, I often find moving to music helpful. You don’t have to dance but moving your self to the beat provides space for you to connect with your body. Somewhere on YouTube is a tune for you to groove on.
Gif shows image of a twig (Baby Groot from Marvel Universe) bopping to music.
I have been using walking as my 1 non-negotiable daily movement since August. I’m privileged to live in a neighbourhood that I can walk safely in day or night. I’ve also outsourced my motivation to our dog Lucy and my partner Michel.
It’s been super helpful but the consistent daily routine has made all of our days kind of the same. They are starting to blur into each other as we stroll through our daily loops. Like the robot obits in West World we keep acting out the routine… ad nauseam. The same streets around our house around the same time. We see the same neighbours with the same dogs and children. So we’ve been trying to mix it up.
The lights and decorations on houses has definitely enlivened our evening walks in the dark. We are gearing up for all kinds of weather. In one day we saw sun on our morning walk, rain at lunch, and a snowstorm in the evening.
I read somewhere that getting out whatever the weather helps us enjoy the seasons more. I decided to not bother with new rain boots, opting instead to mink oil some mid calf Blundstones I have still kicking about. They keep my feet dry and are high enough for puddle jumping.
We are thinking snowshoeing might help break up the monotony and our awesome neighbours have offered to loan us racquets to try once the snow gets good and deep.
I’m taking selfies when it feels fun to capture moments of levity and maybe spread a bit of joy.
Michel, Lucy and I are out on a walk, covered in snow and looking adorable.
I’m hoping all of this will help me curate positive memories and buoy my spirits.
Are you finding the days running together? If so, what are your strategies for staying tethered in time?
Image: A photo-collage of several different ink and coloured pencil drawings
Past contributor Michelle Lynne Goodfellow was diagnosed with COVID-19 in November 2020. To pass the time during her quarantine, she wrote about her COVID experience.
(Content warning: Recovery from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
I’ve written and re-written this post so many times over the past several days. When I’m really honest about how much I struggle with my mental health (Complex PTSD), the writing feels like it “over-shares,” to the point of self-immolation.
So then I start writing the post all over again, leaving out more of the graphic parts. This is, like, my fourth or fifth attempt at describing how I coped with having COVID-19.
I have Complex PTSD. All I’m going to say about that is, I live pretty much 24/7 with an underlying feeling of unease. And if I examine my feelings too closely, (or if something happens to trigger my lifelong, maladaptive coping mechanisms), the unease quickly escalates into existential despair, and it’s a bit of a horrorshow.
Please don’t worry about me – I have very, very good (and accessible) mental health care. We have a treatment plan, and we’re hitting some really reassuring milestones. I’m encouraged, for probably the first time in my life, that my traumatized brain can be retrained, and I can feel safer, and eventually make different choices about how to keep myself safe and relate well to others.
But for now, I’m still in the middle of things.
So getting COVID-19 was… a bit of a hiccup in the road, shall we say. Kind of like a flat tire, I guess. I could tell that the driving was rough, and it took me a bit of road to realize what was going on. And then I pulled over, and assessed the situation, and got out the spare tire, and worked on replacing the flat. And realized that there was a second flat…
And now that my quarantine is over, I’m driving back down the road again, and I have two repaired tires, but it’s kind of a little hazy how I got things sorted. I have the feeling I spent a lot of money on towing charges and the repairs on two flat tires, and I don’t want to look too closely at my bank account right now. Figuratively speaking.
If you can relate to any of the above, here’s my best recollection of how I made it through several days of quarantine in my 120-square-foot bedroom, with no face-to-face contact with my 77-year-old housemate (my mom), in order to protect her from catching the disease. (And thankfully, we were successful – she has since tested negative for COVID-19, and we’re happily sharing air again…)
Lots of sleep I’ve suffered from very severe insomnia for nearly 15 years, and for most of that time I’ve really *been* suffering. It would probably take a whole other post to describe how I’ve solved my insomnia problem, but suffice to say, I seem to have solved it. And for two weeks before I caught COVID, I got the best sleep of the past 15 years – at least seven, and usually eight, hours per night.
And I was really noticing the benefits of all of the sleep, in many areas of my life. I was less tired, for one. I had more energy. I was also able to cope better with minor frustrations, and let things roll off my back, when in the past I would start spinning out, emotionally.
So continuing to get good sleep was a conscious priority, once I got sick. And I can report that, apart from the night immediately following my positive test result (when I got maybe five hours of sleep), I was successful in continuing my good-sleep streak. I still wake up in the middle of every night, and it’s not always easy to get back to sleep (it’s a habit that I’m still trying to instil in my brain), but I know it’s had a huge positive impact on my ability to cope with having COVID, and being stuck alone in my bedroom for days on end.
Grounding myself physically in the present moment The first few days of my quarantine were the toughest, and I spent most of those days in a kind of frantic, mental running-away from my emotional (and physical) distress. To go back to my flat tire analogy, it’s like I drove on those flat tires for a while – probably longer than was good for my rims – before I could admit to myself that yes, I needed to get off the road and take a look at what might be wrong with my car.
And when I finally pulled to a stop, the first thing I did was, I just stopped all the frantic busywork (the phone calls to friends, the texting, the social media scrolling, the YouTube scrolling, etc.). I knew that in the past (when I was in breast cancer treatment) I’d really enjoyed doing some bodywork – especially qigong. I have some favourite qigong videos on YouTube that I like to follow along with. I watched those videos, and I did the movements.
I did some Alexander Technique lying-down work. (Again, it would probably take a whole post to describe the Alexander Technique, but I trained for a year to become an Alexander practitioner, and it’s a form of bodywork that is deeply engrained in my brain, so it was easy for me to pick it up again.)
I also did a really soothing foam rolling routine that was developed by a certified structural integrationist (Rolfer), that I learned several years ago from my registered massage therapist. And finally, I did some restorative yoga poses that I really enjoy.
All of the above calmed down my nervous system, and helped ease my constant anxiety and hyper-vigilance. I also went outside for a twenty-minute walk around my property every day, as well.
Finding healthier (for me) replacements for my compulsive behaviours To numb my emotional distress, I turn to many different “unhealthy” diversions to block out or numb my feelings. I could see early on in my quarantine that I was getting pretty compulsive about things like napping, social media and device use, watching videos, and talking to or texting friends. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of those activities – I was just bouncing from one to the other so frequently that I knew I needed to find some more grounding alternatives.
Cleaning and organizing my spaces is one of my favourite ways to calm my mind. I need to have my spaces very spare, very minimalist. Clutter (even rumpled sheets) agitates me too much. I usually have a pretty simple and tidy bedroom (I try to avoid doing anything in my room but sleep, when I am well). So I was already starting from a good place, but I got into the habit of “tidying” my bedroom several times per day during my quarantine. I would make my bed (yes, more than once every day), put away any dirty clothes, remove any garbage, and put away anything I’d been using (like my ukuleles, or my sketchbooks, or my yoga cushions, or my foam roller).
Drawing became my favourite go-to activity during quarantine. It’s slow, it requires attention (but not too much brain power or focus), and the kinds of drawing I like to do require tiny, repetitive movements that slowed down my body, and in turn, my brain. It got to the point where I cleaned out one of the drawers in my dresser, and filled it with a lot of my drawing supplies (several sketchbooks, pens, coloured pencils, markers).
When I look back over all the drawings I worked on during my quarantine, I feel proud of my ability to self-soothe, and regulate my emotions. I hadn’t done much drawing in recent months, and my quarantine reinforced to me that a daily drawing practice would probably be a good thing for me in the recovery of my mental health.
By the time my quarantine was over, I had a daily routine that felt comfortable and reassuring. If anything, it panicked me more to end my quarantine (and expose my self to my mom again, even though I knew that logically that I was no longer contagious) than it did to be in quarantine in the first place.
I think everyone who gets COVID will have a different experience with the disease; I know I definitely had a very mild case. But I hope that everyone who gets COVID can find a way (or ways) to deal with the emotional and psychological aspects of being ill during a pandemic, with a potentially life-threatening virus.
Michelle Lynne Goodfellow is a writer, artist, and maker. You can see some of her creations on her Instagram feed.
I still remember the day my child had their last nap: Dec. 28, 2003. I never understood why children resist naps; they are the best thing when you need a pick me up. Emma Goldman famously said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution,” but I’m rewriting that sentence to say “If I can’t nap or dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” I think naps are great. Twenty minute naps refresh, re-energize, and reignite your synapses.
My friend SamB, who is also a co-founder of this blog, turned me on to The Nap Ministry. It’s a great blog, focusing on rest for resistance. The Nap Bishop writes:
May a space to daydream and slow down open to you. May you realize the power of taking rest since no one will give it to you. This is why rest is a resistance and a slow meticulous love practice. We must continue deprogramming from grind culture. We must continue not turning away from our own terror. We must deconstruct around the ways we uphold grind culture, capitalism and white supremacy. We must wake up. We will rest.
So go on, set your clock, lie down (or curl up in a chair) and get some Zzzzs.
Image shows a small child on a beach and wearing a pink romper saying “I take a nap right here.”
When I was younger, I couldn’t imagine how someone could forget to eat, but here we are, me living my best life in middle age, wondering why I’m growling. When I get really into my work, the outside world fades into the distance while my overstuffed to do list nags at me and my deadlines loom. Too often, I find myself feeling hollow and anxious, my energy levels lower than the last bar on my phone battery.
Animation shows a rabbit eating a stolen snack.
The fact is sometimes what you are feeling is not anxiety but hunger. I figured out a while ago that I didn’t need to have a full meal during the day so long as I grazed my way regularly with a variety of easy foods I could grab and eat. I also avoided the sudden dips in blood sugar caused by long gaps between eating. Have some cheese and crackers, a piece of fruit, a yogurt, some nuts or a carrot with hummus. Put your snack on a nice plate or eat it with your favourite spoon or fork. It all makes a difference to how you feel.
