It’s that time of year again: manufacturers of all sorts of gizmos and products are ramping up their advertising to unload their goods on us, the holiday shoppers. And as your Fit Feminist Consumer Reporter, I’m here to help you wade through all the hype on the latest holiday wellness gift lists. So here we go.
Up first: the eight sleep pod cover.
This mattress cover adjusts your bed temperature from 55F to 110F, tracks your sleep, and wakes you up in the morning (either through vibration or temperature change, which sounds ominous to me). All for the low low price of $2195. Of course, that doesn’t cover the required membership (read monthly fee of $15–24) for the app, which takes your data, makes adjustments to the cover’s function (they don’t let you do it manually) and uses or sells said data for their own nefarious purposes.
Don’t get me wrong– I like to sleep in a chilled out state as much as the next person. And post-menopausal me sleeps in a cooler room and in lighter clothing than past-me. I have even been known to use this gadget to help me sleep cooler at night, and would recommend it to anyone. Oh, and it doesn’t need an app.
Call me cheap, but I just saved y’all $2170. You’re welcome.
Continuing the cold theme, there’s the cold plunge. As best I can figure this, it’s a big ol’ tub that will chill water down to 39F. And it comes with a cover. But you have to fill it with water yourself, and a garden hose isn’t included. Nor is a dog, although there are several of them in the photos.
Bad news: it costs $4990 USD. Good news: it comes with a cell phone holder.
If you prefer being way too hot over being way too cold, don’t worry! This season’s fitness gift marketers have something for you: the Higher Dose Infrared Sauna Blanket. I watched the info video, and here’s how it works:
- unfold it on a heat-resistant surface (so you and it don’t catch fire)
- use your custom sauna towel ($75 extra) OR cover yourself up from neck to toe with clothing (I assume to avoid skin burns)
- plug that sucker in and let her heat up (not liking this at all)
- zip yourself in (no way)
- Stay in there for 30–50 minutes (oh hell no)
- In case you lose consciousness or cease to exist during your session , the timer shuts off at 60 minutes, so your next of kin won’t be paying the extra electric costs
For entry into this hellscape of sweating, you’re supposed to pay $699. Nope. You couldn’t pay me $699 to do this. No siree Bob…
Finally, in the warmth category, this item kept appearing on holiday gift lists for the fitness-minded. I kid you not.
I mean, this nike fleece hoodie is perfectly fine. But how many of these do you already have? And don’t you just wear your favorite one all the time anyway?
Readers, what’s on your gift lists for this year? Did I miss something really good? I didn’t include these, as they failed to fit the theme. But feel free to let me know what else I missed.