Feminist reflections on fitness, sport, and health
Author: natalieh (she/her)
Fat, feminist, 50 yr old mother of 2 adults who loves her high energy life partner of over 30 years. I love moving my body and walk wherever I can. I sometimes ride my road bike, do yoga, lift weights and other shenanigans.
I grew up in a rural neighborhood bordering on woods. I spent a lot of my childhood playing, resting and walking in nature.
Today I still find comfort in watching a river flow and listening to the birds.
Seated in St Croix, New Brunswick, Canada overlooking a patch of the St Croix River. On the far side is Vanceboro, Maine, USA.
Yesterday my paternal grandmother, Joyce, was laid to rest. We had a graveside service.
People, especially those in my family, are sometimes hard for me to understand. They are complex and ever changing. I don’t often know what to do or say, especially when I’m sad.
Someone once told me grief is love with no place to go. I have an abundance of love looking for a home and I’m thankful for family and friends who are happy to receive it.
I find solace walking, looking at plants and insects. It’s something I never tire of. My plant and insect friends are unbothered by my tears and messy feelings. They just accept me where I am at. I’m so grateful.
A blurry shot of Blue-eyed grass, one of my very old plant friends.
Having stopped spending time being paid to do things has me thinking a lot about my “free” time and how I’m investing it in my fitness goals as well as helping others.
Working out
Gym memberships and classes are times when we pay others so we can protect our unpaid time to invest in our well-being and fitness. It’s something many of the bloggers and readers can identify with, ensuring we dedicate time to our fitness and well-being.
In relationships with partners, parents, children and friends the uneven burden of care still exists with women and femme folks shouldering most of the work.
Logistics of Longevity
From booking of medical and dental appointments to tracking how much extended benefit coverage is left for a massage or physiotherapy for the family, it’s often women doing that work in our unpaid time.
Sometimes my support of our family’s fitness goals looks like running to the bike shop each week getting tire irons, tubes, and yet another pair of gloves. Where are the gloves going?
Other times it is meal planning, groceries, sharing garden bounty with friends and preserving food.
It is also sorting through piles of mismatched socks. Sam introduced me to The Annual Mating of the Socks one year and I continue to do it each fall. It’s the time of year when I reach for socks and can’t find them.
In spring, I can never find my cycling gloves. Just one, lonely white light weight cycling glove sitting among the pile of larger, black, heavy duty ones Michel favours.
Health and Philanthropy
Twenty years ago I remember organizing the Canadian Cancer Society door to door campaign. This fundraising was built on the availability of women in rural communities organizing their neighbourhoods into teams. A team captain, often a woman who also ran the women’s auxiliary at the legion, the church fundraisers as well as Heart and Stroke, Diabetes Canada and our daffodil days fundraisers.
These women organized and collected millions of dollars, often $5 at a time. They would dutifully write out each paper receipt, balance books, and provide reporting. It was a lot. As more women needed to work off the farm or outside of the home they no longer had the unpaid time to organize door to door campaigns. Besides, no one was home to answer the door anymore. So these vital fundraising campaigns gave way to other means of gathering funds.
Where my “free” time goes
In the fourth week of my retirement I’ve helped a friend in her garden, driven another to a medical appointment, and had a doctor’s appointment for myself. I provided support to both of my adult childeren who are going through all the things people in their mid to late 20s go through.
My road bike, Ethyl, tucked in a toilet stall on Sunday.
I did find time for cycling Sunday, Friday and this morning. My daily dog walks with Michel continue to ensure I get lots of movement in my day.
My commuter bike, Myrna, showing off our haul of wild garlic from a trip on Friday.
I hosted my writing friends and we are ensuring we stay focused on getting more writing done. I’m pretty sure blog posts count.
Family Matters
Tomorrow I’m packing my bag to head to New Brunswick for my grandmother’s interment and visit with my parents. My kids are joining me. While down east I am going to ask that someone have a marriage or a baby so I can have a happy excuse to travel rather than another sad one.
I am only able to go see my family because I am retired. Otherwise, I would have already used up most of my vacation. It is the point of having more unpaid time, to be there for my family.
I’m still working on finding the balance between my needs and everyone else’s. My friend Net reassured me that after a few months I will find a more sustainable pace in retirement. I hope she’s right!
This week flipped that upside down and lit it on fire.
I started on the holiday Monday with a list of things that needed to be done before fence replacement work would start on Wednesday.
My youngest kid, Jean, came over. We dug up plants to move them out of danger. We moved and flipped the contents of two composters.
Michel cleaned out our garage and mowed.
Dividing and conquering we got lots done.
Tuesday was even more frenetic gardening.
Wednesday my contractor arrived and I puttered around outside and kept myself available.
Thursday I gardened at my place for three hours before flitting over to Heather’s for some visiting, snacking and, oh yes, two solid rounds of weeding. Then back home for more outdoor work.
Nat grimacing at the camera. Her face says “not so little but very often”
Friday, more work on my gardens in the morning and time with my friend Phyllis in the afternoon. I brought her scant amount of transplants and in return she filled my car with plants.
I got home, had a light dinner then quickly set to work planting all my new plants so that Saturday’s rain will help them adapt to their new home.
This has been a boon to my average step count. I’ve been averaging 9,500 a day over the past year. This week I averaged over 13,000.
A bar graph showing values for each day of the last week ranging from 8,000 to 18,000 steps on a given day.
Somewhere in there I had physiotherapy and a massage. I’m taking care not to aggravate my lower back and stick to daily physio exercises.
It is pretty typical that I put a lot of effort into my gardens in the spring. This year I feel like I’m making fast progress. I want my gardens to be lush and full of life without looking unkempt. It’s tricky because my garden is informal and uses a lot of native plants, folks sometimes think it’s merely overgrown.
Here’s to my efforts reducing a bit over the coming weeks as I focus more on writing and crafting.
If all goes well by the time this post publishes, I will be driving from Orangeville to Schomberg . I have been awake since yesterday at 5 am. So tired.
A map showing the route from London to Coburg with 435 km distance and 2,888 meters of elevation.
I’m supporting my friends’ team Chamois & Shenanigans for the 24 hour Flèche event.
A green team badge shows 5 cyclists and an SUV labeled SAG WAGON.
It’s my third time providing Support And Gear (SAG) for this event. It is a rare team event in a sport, Randonneuring, that is usually about individual efforts and self sufficiency.
There are strict rules about the support I can provide. Only at controls, pre-set resupply points, can I provide food, mechanical and first aid.
I adore this group of athletes that I lovingly call “fools”. Fred, Jim, Marc, Michel and Mike appreciate the support and recognize how I contribute to the team’s success.
I also see my role as Social Media Strategist. I document and post their progress. This reassures loved ones that everything is going well. I refer to these posts as “proof of life”. Sometimes I am too focused on a quick turnaround and forget to take pictures. Oops!
I’m thrilled that this year there is also an all women’s team, Flèche Fatales. Brenda, Jessica, Lorelei and Natalia are receiving SAG from Corina and Maria.
The team badge for Flèche Fatales shows 4 cyclists bracketed by 2 cars.
The best part of the event is all teams arriving at the destination from a variety of starting points and routes. It’s really lovely to see old friends, enjoy great food and celebrate everyone’s accomplishments.
Volunteering is crucial to amateur athletics. If you get the chance, definitely help out events in your area. The athletes are so appreciative.
4 bicycles lined up against the exterior wall of a McDonalds before 6 am.
As word of my retirement got out, I started receiving invitations to do cool things on weekdays.
One of those invitations was from my friend Heather to hang out in her garden. Oh. Maybe that was “work” but I just love her vibe and I’m happy to help anyone in the garden.
I tried to remember how we met. It was probably Food Not Lawns or The Carolinian Food Forest. It was definitely around growing plants!
In addition to gardening, we share a love of crafting, especially sewing.
I was so glad I got to see Heather this week. She procured scones and we enjoyed tea as we shared our hopes for our gardens.
Heather has beautiful gardens on all sides of her house. Some plants are for pollinators, some are for eating and still others are for pure joy.
Heather shared her motto for her garden this year: little and often. I love it and have decided I too will do a little amount of things often.
On Tuesday I was getting more work done on my tattoo. Kaley shared she had been doing some chopping of roots with her wife.
“I don’t know why gardening is framed as a gentle activity. I’m always moving wheelbarrows of stuff, lifting, digging, it’s hard work!”
Kayley is very wise. I often get caught up in puttering in the garden and forget how hard I’m working. A bit of weeding and light pruning can drift to chopping down a tree and hacking away at roots. Two days later wondering why my hamstrings are sore.
“Little and often” works not only my gardening efforts but also my crafting and writing. My goal is sustainable efforts that avoid burnout or injury.
Two hours in the garden caused me some lower back pain and some tender muscles. It’s humbling that what used to be a reasonable effort is now a bit too much, at least early in the season.
So I’m changing my expectations. I’m going for 30 minutes at a time for gardening, an hour at writing, crafting and housekeeping. Small, continuous progress always yields satisfying results.
I am so glad Heather shared her motto with me.
A pretty garden with a bicycle decoration. The best things in life!
Social connection is an important factor in wellbeing. And if the past week is any indication, I will be well for a very long time.
Three months ago I gave my notice of retirement to my boss. Halfway through my mini-speech he joked “no, you can’t leave. We are supposed to win at capitalism together!”
And that joke set the tone of the next three months. Once we had settled on a plan we let my team know my retirement date and put a call out for my replacement.
Then something unexpected happened. My in office days became much more social. People I knew but didn’t see much in my current role started dropping by my desk or talking to me in the cafeteria.
It was a gentle touch on my arm, a smile or a hug. Sometimes it was a teasing or a confession of jealousy. All of it gifts of connection that just kept coming.
Part of me worried that this long goodbye was self indulgent. I know plenty of people who pull an “Irish Goodbye”. It’s when you just walk out of work and no one knows you have retired.
I’m here to tell you to not do that. If, like me, you have the privilege of choosing when you leave your paid work, choose a long goodbye.
Your colleagues need time to hear the news, come see you and bring you stories.
I worked in production when I joined Canada Life (then London Life). Two years in I became a leader. I’ve led 8 teams over 9 years. That’s a lot of people!
And so many of them reached out.
“Thank you for treating me like a human being.”
I’m crying just writing that. It seems like such a low bar to meet. To just relate to each other as people who matter. And we do matter.
I was told so many stories about how I helped someone through tough times by caring and being flexible.
There is definitely one person who is alive today because I took their mental health concerns seriously. Talk about making a difference.
I was delighted how many people told me they read this blog about fitness. Some folks follow me on Instagram or have added me on Facebook to see my morning cycling commute videos.
“Will you keep posting about cycling?”
Turns out those quick, off-the-cuff videos encourage lots of folks to be more active. What a gift to know I help them.
So many parties
This past week I went out 4 nights with different groups of friends to say goodbye. It was marvelous. So many good laughs and hugs.
Princess planned her own party
Since I’m technically just quitting my job there was no formal retirement company gift or funds for a party. So I decided I’d just put the word out that people could say goodbye Thursday morning 10 – 11:30 in a common use space near the cafeteria.
I invited a couple hundred people expecting maybe 30 to show up.
In the weeks running up to the day declines and quick messages trickled in.
“I’m still sick.”
“My dad’s in hospital.”
“I’m out of town.”
I had a creeping concern I’d be sitting by myself in a tiara feeling stupid. That fear is why many people choose not to have a reception.
Uh. My fears were unfounded. My colleague baked THREE CAKES. As she was unboxing them people started arriving, then forming a queue. The line-up went out the door, around the corner and down the hall.
My buddy dressed in her inflatable dinosaur costume. It was a carnival atmosphere.
A crowd in a hallway. In the distance you can see a dinosaur. Thank you Marc for the photo!
The line was full of laughter and folks being delighted to see other friends and connecting.
The line was so long some people had to leave for meetings and sent quick notes after.
Sharing is caring
Sharing fitness adventures at work, posting fitness stuff on LinkedIn where everyone is focused on business is so important. Our activities can give us a common base to build on. It helps us see each other as full people, not just interchangeable production units.
Long post, long goodbyes
I’m writing this Saturday morning while eating more cake with my coffee.
I’m looking at the mountain of thoughtful gifts and funny cards. People took time to know me and the gifts reflect the crafty, active plant lady I am. How marvelous.
A giant “love fern” is surrounded with cards and gifts.
Don’t forget the swearing
I’m known for cussing a blue streak in meetings. People find it hilarious. So when my team gave me a goodbye card I was delighted it read “Thanks for leaving us behind, asshole.” I couldn’t stop laughing.
They 3D printed a gift card holder “Fucking quitter. Oops we mean HAPPY RETIREMENT”
I’m still laughing. Perfect!
So. Yes. Long story longer. The long goodbye makes room for connection and closure. 10/10 I will long goodbye again.
As I’m shifting the balance of my time away from paid work to other activities I have been knitting and listening to podcasts. I need to watch my hands but I also need something to help keep my focus. The current shawl I’m working on is straight knitting. I mean, I’m queer but it is simple garter stitch with some counting. This is not complex enough to require full attention but fine enough work I can’t look away from my hands. This isn’t making it any clearer for you, is it? Oh well! Moving on!
So I’m sitting and knitting while burning through podcasts. I adore “And the rest is science”, “Smartless” and anything by the Welcome to Nightvale crew. Lately though, I’ve been craving handicraft podcasts, especially about clothing design and sewing. Clothing design was a passion of mine in my youth, I had wanted to be a designer. My bedroom wall was covered with reams of clothing designs, comic book characters and story ideas. I had a large spool of newsprint and I would unfurl arms length, beige paper and fill it with words and drawings.
Ten years later, when my kids were born, my mom helped me make piles of clothes for them, Michel and myself. My mother-in-law would gift me fabric and I would make curtains, bedsheet sets, quilts, diapers…EVERYTHING. We would sew around the kitchen table with highchairs, meals, and dogs underfoot. It was productive and fun in a chaotic and cozy kind of way.
Math is the theft of joy and one day I calculated out the cost of making Michel his dress shirts. Even with the cheapest broadcloth the material costs were about $35 a shirt because patterns, buttons, thread and interfacing all added up. This was not accounting for my time and it was taking me about a week to make a shirt. To pay me even a modest hourly rate meant these were $300 shirts and I was desperately short on time. I eventually set aside sewing as a way to make ends meet. I loved it but the time, space and money weren’t in my favour.
There was another reason though. After being pregnant I could not get a reliable fit for myself. I had a plus size dress form, I bought patterns with stretch but things did not fit right. The disappointing results sapped all joy from this hobby. I blamed my lack of skill and my unruly figure.
Fifteen years later I do want to pick it back up. I love the tactile experience of sewing and the clothes are of a quality that far exceeds any “ready to wear” garments available to me.
Where was I? Right, I’m sitting, knitting and listening to a Threads podcast from 2024 about a new sewing pattern company, Style Falcon. It’s a 30 minute listen. I like using the podcast as a fancy timer to stay focused on knitting but also a nudge to take breaks. Remember, this is a sidequest, a mindtoy and then MY MIND IS BLOWN. The conversation drifted to how most women’s clothes are designed around an hour glass shape of an 18 year old woman. Some companies have been using the same silhouette since the 1940s. Yes, the bodies of World War Two teenagers are what the pants on the rack are designed to fit.
If you have ever sewn a garment you are familiar with first creating a fitting muslin to then find out how you have to modify the pattern to fit. Common adjustments are about where your bust sits and how long your inseam/pant leg is.
At the heart of making cloths is fooling a two dimensional fabric into covering our dynamic three dimensional bodies. This is advanced planes mapping algebra, the OG 3D printing. Here small differences matter.
So as the conversation goes along they speak about mature bodies, from post-pregnancy to post-menopausal, you know, things that happen to us that change our bodies after the age of 18. And then they mention how skin gathers at the top of the knee in middle age and senior folks. I remembered getting these super cute pants that fit my waist, thighs and butt but were surprisingly tight just above my knee. I blamed myself for “letting myself go” but OF COURSE MY BODY IS NOT THE PROBLEM. This is “a thing” as we mature, just like more skin and muscle on our backs, forward rolling shoulders, thicker waists and bulkier upper arms. There are examples of exceptional women aging, like Helen Mirren or Jane Fonda, who defy the trends. The vast majority of us have different proportions in our fifties, sixties and seventies than we did when we were 18.
I’m so thankful for the excellent Threads podcast and the beautiful designs available at Style Falcon. Clothing fit is a feminist issue as it is deeply tied to ageist, racist, sexist and ableist ideals.
To catch excellent patterns and discussions look for the Sew Over 50 hashtag on your social media of choice.
From the Style Falcon website a preview of tops, bottoms and dresses that look stylish and comfortable.
Last Saturday morning I got a text from Cate, fellow blogger and extraordinary human, shortly after my post was published.
“One more resource is your friends and the ppl who think you are awesome — I send you a huge hug”
And I have to say, I’m blessed with a spectacular group of friends. From queer community to fitness bloggers to colleagues…I get so much love and encouragement. I have people I can ugly cry with.
My beloved and I often talk about the importance of social connection and a sense of belonging, especially as it relates to wellbeing.
Keeping social connections is highly gendered. This oldie but a goodie article from the New York Times explores the uneven burden but also the well being gains for women.
People expect that I, as a cisgendered woman, will seek out and maintain connections. Michel, as a cisgendered man, is seen as odd, even creepy. It’s weird.
We have shared friends and family. We also have our individual pursuits and friends. I enjoy his friends and he mine.
So yes Cate, you are a part of my strategy for coping and celebrating.
And if you are reading this thinking you haven’t heard from a friend for a while reach out and offer a hug, a hike or a heckin’ good time.
It will make all the difference to you both.
Some friends hanging out enjoying a sunset overlooking water.
I’m standing at the hotel room sink brushing my teeth when I catch the sideview of my naked body in the closet mirror door. A wave of disgust hit me. I was overcome with the urge to do something drastic. I breathed. I turned off the unflattering florescent light. Who installs these things in hotel rooms anyway?
I sat down and had a good cry. I was in a hotel room in Saint John, New Brunswick because of a family medical emergency. I so desperately wanted to feel a sense of control, a moment of peace. At the same time my youngest kid is living in a tent in British Columbia between jobs, again. I’m retiring in three weeks and it feels like my life is out of control, tumbling pell-mell down a hill that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight. So instead of hating on my body I just kept crying, recognizing the body dysmorphia for a displaced need for a sense of control.
Instead of spiraling I rehearsed all the things I am doing to feel a sense of control.
I continue to leave alcohol behind. When I feel this lousy I’m prone to drinking more and the one thing that won’t make me feel better is a hangover/headach.
Pool time
I love being in water and even though the pool is tiny I can still kick while holding the wall or swim into the output of the waterslide. I sleep much better for the time in the pool. I feel strong, confident and capable in my two piece meant for laps. I walked though the halls without a cover-up or shame. 50 something coping lady coming through!
Bring my Michel
Just having my special person around helped me feel grounded. A shoulder to snuggle to, a ready smile, and watching our favourite shows on a laptop like a couple of kids, it helped me feel a sense of normalcy.
Crochet
I tucked a skein of cotton under my arm and just made dishcloths. It’s really just a fancy fidget toy that gives you something at the end. It keeps me calm, helps me focus and stay in the moment.
Confront harsh truths
Seeing someone you love going through tough times is really humbling. Any illusion of control is quickly dispelled as events proceed. The urge to try and control others is huge for me. Internally I judge, blame and struggle to find meaning. Externally I keep breathing and focusing on what I can do in the moment. I don’t minimize or exagerate, I just stare the tough stuff right in the eyes and acknolwedge it.
Mine the past
A gem I unearthed in therapy was to look to my past for times I handled tough stuff well to help me have confidence on navigating life’s challenges. Many of those moments come from my fitness journey. From long bike rides to recovering from injury, my fitness activities have taught me I am capable and good at figuring things out.
Keep moving
Walking, stretching and strength training have really helped me feel a sense of peace and control.
Life keeps offering challenges and moments to rise to the occasion. I’m so grateful I’ve gathered many tools.
Spring has arrived and with 1 month to go until I retire, how have I embraced “create”?
Creating Space
I organized and furnished my home office as a way to shift my thinking about this space. I’ve re-named it my studio. My creative hobbies include writing, music, drawing, and a distressing number of handicrafts.
A short, white shelving unit is tucked under a window with wine rack sections filled with yarns. The bottom is rows of drawers filled with an undisclosed number of handicrafts.
Socializing around artful activities
I have to credit my dear friend Jess with this one. She and I are committed to learning how to make things. We recently participated in a really great screen printing workshop at Museum London facilitated by Soft Flirt. She took a short video demonstrating how to pull the ink over the screen on her Instagram account.
A whit bandanna with 4 starbursts, a denim patch with an eye, and two tea towels with bold geometric designs. I am so pleased how they turned out!
Getting creative about working out
Recently, Michel and I have had especially hectic schedules. We renovated the basement which included our workout space. So we brought weights into the living room, used elastic bands, body weight exercises and lots of stretching and physiotherapy.
Protecting time to write
I’m working on a book and I’m so fortunate to be in a tiny trio of a writing group with Vanessa Brown & Karen Hendry. They have both published books over the more than 10 years we have been meeting.
We tried a new monthly accountability deadline and meet up to support and provide feedback.
Of all the things I have done, this is the one that has bolstered my creative output the most.
Taking up the craft at hand
I struggle to complete projects. I LOVE dreaming of new projects. I enjoy buying the supplies. I get a pleasant bump when I start. Then almost immediately my mind drifts to a new project. This can get expensive and a bit overwhelming.
So I’m working through my craft “stash”. I’ve crocheted and knitted all kinds of things with existing yarn. Cotton dishcloths, a giant granny square pillow for my bed, a crossbody purse and now …now I’ve picked up the shawl kit I bought in Iceland.
The yarn is tiny, the construction unique. I’m struggling to stay committed even though it is GORGEOUS.
Curved wedges of white, orange, grey and brown are separated by glimmering strands of black, gold and copper. The pattern looks like a dragonfly wing under a microscope.
My next tasks are creating a schedule that includes regular movement and workouts.
Michel and I have a solid dog walking routine to start our day and at lunch. I want to complement that with cycling, strength training and stretching. Hopefully I won’t need as much physiotherapy if I stick to it!
Overall
I’m finding going back to “create” to challenge myself and make positive changes has really helped me this year. I feel like I’m getting back to myself.
