Month: April 2025

feminism · fitness

Girl Guides and Feminism

Diane Harper2 Comments

These days, I’m not sure how many people associate Guiding with feminism, but I think there is a link. The book “How the Girl Guides Won the War” backs this up.

It’s a history of Guiding from its inception shortly before WWI through to the end of WWII, mostly in the UK, but with chapters on Guides in Poland, China and elsewhere who were affected by WWII.

For context, Guiding started at a time when education was compulsory only to the age of 12, and Guides were 12 and up, unlike today’s Canadian Guides (9-12).

Guides were trained to do things like gardening and be thrifty, but also to do Morse Code, offer First Aid, repair vehicles, dig bomb shelters and navigate using the stars. Their fundraising efforts bought everything from ambulances to airplane parts and boats that brought wounded soldiers from the battle of Dunkirk to England.

While cooking, gardening and childcare may have been class-based skills for girls and young women expected to go into domestic service, they evolved to be ways they could contribute to the war efforts: growing Victory gardens, using rationed foods to feed a group, or entertaining children while in a bomb shelter.

Other skills, such as map-reading and mechanic, were designed to help girls find employment as chauffeurs and taxi drivers after WWI, when gender imbalances meant many were unlikely to find a husband. These also proved very useful in WWII, as Guides and Rangers replaced men who had gone overseas, or joined the military themselves.

There was also was a conscious effort to eliminate religious, race and class distinctions, and special accommodations were made to ensure girls with disabilities or living in isolated communities could participate. Simple uniforms put everyone from the princesses Elizabeth and Margaret to children whose best outfit was the one they wore to guides on the same footing when they got together for their meetings and camps. German Jewish refugee children joined English units despite language barriers, and in India the separate organizations based on race and religion gradually amalgamated. It wasn’t always successful: Barbados and South Africa had separate organizations based on race, for example, and those divisions lasted for decades.

A recurring theme is how the Guides developed their imaginations, became independent, took on leadership roles, improvised, enjoyed the outdoors and moving their bodies while on hikes or playing games, and learned to cooperate and take on challenges.

I was surprised to discover how many of the photos in my family album were of Guiding activities.

1) Brownies around the toadstool at our ceremony to fly up to Guides. I’m the one on the right. 2) My Ranger crew showing off a provincial flower quilt we made as a fundraiser. That’s me in the glasses on the bottom left. 3) Guide camp – I think this is one I organized in the back yard for my camp leader badge. I have no idea why we seem to be wearing some sort of mouse costume or why I have a little cage in my hand.

The things I learned clearly had an impact on me, as I have tried to live up to the objectives of the movement ever since. Unsurprisingly, many of my best friends were also Brownies or Guides growing up. We all share a fierce independence and delight in learning to do difficult things. It goes without saying that we are all proud feminists.

We’re not alone. A survey by Girlguiding UK in 2007 found that two-thirds of Britain’s most prominent women have been Guides, and three-quarters of them say they benefited from the experience

How about you, readers? Were you Guides or Brownies? Did you join some other service organization? How did that experience influence you as an adult?

fitness

Emoji Love ❤️

Sam B
😛
😁
❤️

Diane

I occasionally use more, but these are the ones that express emotions I like.

⭐️
💚
👻
😏
🐙
🤖

Christine

That ghost is ‘victory ghost’ in my lexicon and stands in for ‘Go Team!’

Cate

I’m so old and such an early internet adopter I still make mine with punctuation — and I like the winky one. ; – )

(Which has prompted some people to think I’m mocking them when I’m not)

Sam

❤️😎🚴☀️

Love, sunglasses, bike, and sunshine

Today is International Dance Day? I’m in!
fitness · fun

Today is International Dance Day? I’m in!

Christine Hennebury

Ok, so I have to be careful with my movements these days because I don’t want to aggravate my neck/shoulders/back but I’m still going to be low-key flailing around in celebration of International Dance Day today.

And I hope you’ll do the same because…

A quote about dancing
Image shows a quote from Lynda Barr that reads “ Any kind of dancing is better than no dancing at all.” and there is a person leaping in the air on the background.

I’m not a great dancer (choreography confounds me) but I thoroughly enjoy galumphing around whenever the mood strikes me. In fact, when I am feeling overwhelmed or that things have gotten too heavy, throwing on a danceable song is one of my go-to ways to release all that ickiness.

A photo of a little girl dancing with her dad at a wedding in the 1970s
One of my favourite photos of all time, me and my Dad dancing at my Auntie Val’s wedding in the late 1970s. Image description: Me, at about age 6, dancing with my Dad on the dance floor at my Aunt’s wedding. I’m wearing a light-coloured sun dress and my blonde hair is in pigtails, my right arm is in front of me at chest height (obviously mid-dance-move) and I’m smiling up at my Daddy. My Dad, also mid-dance move with his right fingers mid-snap, is wearing a light grey suit and his brown hair is a floppy sort of length, is looking down towards me with a good Dad-energy. There are people sitting at tables in the background.

And, apparently my instinct to dance in those situations is a good one. Here are some links to articles and videos about why dancing is good for us – even if our techniques are ridiculous:

Why dancing is good for you

Four Ways Dancing Makes You Happier

Dancing and the Brain

Still image shows the title of the video ‘The science of dancing’ next to a silhouette of a dancer who has jumped into the air with her head leaning back. There are chemical symbols in the background.
Still image shows the title of the video “The importance of dancing like an idiot” next to two silhouettes, one solid one in light pink and one white one in scribbled lines.

If you aren’t feeling up to reading or watching a lot today, maybe one of these quotes from Planet of Success will inspire you to dance?

a quote about dancing
Image description: a quote from Amelia Altwater-Rhodes in white text, the background image is of a person on a skirt dancing on the street. The quote reads: In a society that worships love, freedom, and beauty, dance is sacred. It is a prayer for the future, a remembrance of the past and a joyful exclamation of thanks for the present.”
A quote about dancing
Image description: a quote from Agnes De Mille that reads “To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful…this is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking.” the background is blue (some shapes are visible but I can’t tell what they are.)

And, last but not least, here are a few of my favourite songs to dance to, feel free to borrow them for your own galumphing around:

Bif Naked’s “I love myself today” – Be sure to jump up and down during the jumpy parts. You’ll know ’em when you hear ’em. The still image is a photo of the singer, a woman with chin length black hair and bangs, sitting in the back seat of a car with her (tattooed) right arm on the window ledge and her hand upwards.

Great Big Sea’s “The Night Pat Murphy Died” – apparently this is a very old song but this was the first version I heard. It mentions drinking and wake, so judge yourself accordingly. This is the song my sisters and I dance to at weddings -we need a lot of room for this level of galumphing. The still image is a brightly coloured plastic doll of a guy playing the accordion. The background is yellow and the album name ‘play’ is on the right.
Charming Disaster’s “Baba Yaga” – the catchy tune, the folklore, and the clever lyrics makes this one of my favourite songs. Excellent for dancing in the kitchen or in the car. The still image is of three odd folk art dolls with the name of the band and the song superimposed on the image.
Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” – This is a great song for goofing around with my friends. We have a dance for this one that is reminiscent of dancing on someone’s lawn in the summer when you’re 10 years old. Still image shows the singers face in a celestial setting.
Elle Kings “Ex’s & Oh’s” (the apostrophes are hers, not mine) – This is another song for goofing around and I like the snarky lyrics. Still image is of the album cover with the singer looking over her shoulder at the camera. She has blonde hair, defined eye makeup and she is wearing a multi-coloured shirt.

How will *you* be celebrating International Dance Day?

fitness

Looking forward to summer and routine

Sam B2 Comments

April 30 (two days away!) is my last day of research leave and May 1, I’m back on the administrative track for another three years of dean-ing.

I’m looking forward to it. Don’t get me wrong. Leave has been lovely. I’ve enjoyed all the time to read and write and to take random daytime fitness classes at my fancy gym. But I’ve missed the people at work and I’ve missed the focus of my big job.

We don’t usually think of summer and routine as going together but this year, after four months of research leave in New Zealand and Toronto, I’m hoping they will.

Other than a lot of work, what’s on this summer?

☀️ Swimming lessons at the Y (Mon and Wed nights maybe)

☀️ Weekly sailboat races (Tues evening)

☀️ Anti-gravity restorative yoga on Sunday afternoons

☀️ Hot yin yoga some evenings too

☀️ Weekend bike rides

☀️ Lots of bike commuting

☀️ Personal training at Movati–Tuesday and Fridays

☀️ Spending time at the farm with family, swimming and riding our bikes.

☀️ Canoe camping

☀️ Bike camping, I hope, though I always hope that and it hasn’t happened yet.

☀️ Pedaling for Parkinsons, Spinning Wheels Relay, September 11-13. Read all about it here. You can join us here.

☀️ Maybe, maybe, if all is going well we might also do the 200 km women’s brevet hosted by the Toronto chapter of  Randonneurs Ontario on Saturday Sep 20. You can find details here.

photography of yellow hibiscus under sunlight
Photo by Khanh Le on Pexels.com

commute · cycling · fitness

Sam’s perfect six bike fleet

Sam B2 Comments

There’s no new bike fever in my life at the moment.  Wow. That’s because I have the perfect fleet! I wrote my last “thinking of new bikes” post in 2022 when I was wanting a gravel bike but now that I have one, I’m pretty happy. (And given the effect tariffs may have on bike prices, I’m glad I’m happy with the bikes I have.)

In no particular order, here they are:

1. My Brompton, 2019

See How Sam gets pretty in pink! #Brompton

I bought it six years ago when my ability to walk anywhere when I traveled was declining and I wanted a bike that could come with me on the road.

It’s bright pink and it’s terrific, not just for traveling,  but for days when I want to be flexible. It can come into most restaurants and theatres when folded. And it’s always allowed on public transit and fits easily into car trunks.

I can wear it with regular clothes and I own a sparkly pink bike helmet to match.

My bright pink Brompton always makes me smile.

Pink Brompton

2. My adventure road bike, 2017

See One bike? in which I blogged about this being the bike I’d choose, if I could only own one bike. It’s my everyday bike, probably the most ridden (in terms of days, not kilometers) of the fleet. It’s outfitted with fenders, lights, and panniers.

The one non-everyday feature? SPD pedals so I either wear my cycling sandals or bike shoes. The one change I’m tempted to make is installing pedals that are flat on one side and with spd clips on the other. Maybe. We’ll see.

3. My fat bike, 2017

See Snow dreams in summer for its origin story.

This bike was one I got in a swap for my cyclocross bike. The cyclocross bike was my bonus thyroid cancer bicycle. I used it some but not enough to justify keeping it. At the same time I was renting fat bikes and loving it. So I decided to sell the cyclo-cross bike and buy a fat bike but instead found someone who wanted to trade. Perfect! Sarah now has a fat bike too and I love bombing around in them on local trails and taking them on weekend adventures. Right now they’re at the farm for riding there. Looking forward to it!

Sam’s fat bike

4. My go-fast road bike, with di2 shifting, 2019

This is my speediest bike and the one that I use for long, endurance road rides. It’s done the full version of the bike rally and lots of other long rides as well. It’s definitely the lightest bike I own. Whee! Zoom!

Sam’s black Cannondale

5. My new green gravel bike, 2024

Sarah did all the research and she initially bought this bike for herself, but once she decided to buy one bike that does everything, I bought this bike from her. It’s a carbon gravel bike with a single front chainring (1x drive train). You can read here about some of the advantages of this set-up. It’s a lot of fun to ride and it was the one bike I took with me to New Zealand this year. It’s good for climbing and does well in the gravel, including some rides where we ought to have had mountain bikes.

Sam’s green gravel bike

6. My time-trialish Cervelo, currently being used for Zwifting, 2017

Cervelo on the trainer

This is my sexiest and speediest bike. I used to ride it on the road when I was riding shorter distances, solo, and aiming for speed. Now it’s the road bike that I lend to friends and let hang out on the trainer.

I bought this bike used because I was wanting something more aero, good for solo riding. It’s a fun bike. It’s not particularly comfortable but it’s great for distances under 50 km.

These days though it’s pretty much a dedicated Zwift machine.

Confession: I do own one more bike,  a track bike,  which I would sell but Sarah wants me to keep in case she decides to go ride at the velodrome in Milton in her spare time.  That’s a bit of a joke because she is the busiest person I know. It’s in the shed but I’m not counting it as part of my fleet.

How about you? How many bikes? Which is your favorite and why?

fitness

Nipple normativity, nipple diversity, all the nipples, all the time

Sam B1 Comment
Nipple bra

I confess that sometimes we’re late to trends around here.  Okay,  I’m old. 

I was strolling around the store Winners with my friend Victoria on Easter weekend when we spotted bras with added nipples. What the heck?

Wow,  times have changed. One of my most popular blog posts from a dozen years ago was about padded sports bras and nipple phobia. Now we’ve gone from covering up nipples to showing off nipples.

Ah. But they can’t be just any nipples you’re showing off. They very likely can’t be your nipples. They have to be perfect nipples. See Do nipples have beauty standards now, too?

I read a bit about the bras on the internet and here’s three reasons people give for liking nipple bras. The reasons make sense.

First,  is to look like you’re going bra-less without actually going bra-less. So you’ve got support and you’ve got visible nipples.

Second,  your real nipples might be the “wrong” shape or in the “wrong” spot.

Third,  you’re wearing a padded bra and you want a more realistic look.

Also,  it turns out these bras have been around on and off for decades but made a big come back in 2023 thanks to Kim Kardashian and her lingerie line. I enjoyed hearing about movie stars sewing marbles and buttons in their bras so they had the nipple + bra look.

Okay,  clearly they’re not for me.  They might be for Victoria.  I’ll let her chime in the comments.  But you? You do you. I’m happy with a wider variety of options– covering up nipples, showing your own nipples, or displaying add-on nipples– even though I’m worried about nipple normativity and the idea that you can show nipples, as long as they’re perfectly shaped and perky.

The logo of the Women's Health Initiative- profiles of three women The Women’s Health Initiative cancelled, then uncancelled? Uncertainty continues
fitness · health

The Women’s Health Initiative cancelled, then uncancelled? Uncertainty continues

catherine w

If you work in any field remotely related to health care in the US, each week brings with it a raft of new horrors and abominations. Last Monday, The Women’s Health Initiative (WHI) investigators were informed that the Department of Health and Human Services (led by Robert F. Kennedy) was cancelling their funding at the end of the fiscal year. By the way, their annual funding is just under $10 million a year, which represents a tiny fraction of US federal government spending on health programs and services– which in FY2024, was $1.9 trillion.

By Friday, however, an HHS spokesperson announced that there had been a reversal of cuts to WHI. HHS secretary RFK even called the Monday announcement “fake news”. However, WHI investigators have receipts, like this notice in the NIH reporter site.

But has the funding actually been restored? On the WHI government site header page as of Sunday April 27, we see this:

News crawl on the WHI pages says "News: Reported reversal of WHI budget cuts remains unconfirmed.
News crawl on the WHI page says “News: Reported reversal of WHI budget cuts remains unconfirmed.

While we catch our breaths here: What is the Women’s Health Initiative, and what research has it done? Glad you asked. Here’s info from this WHI site.

WHI was launched in 1991 to study the causes and prevention of heart disease, cancer, and other serious conditions. In the decades since, the WHI has made large strides in research on aging and heart health. The WHI has collected data from over 161,000 postmenopausal women from diverse backgrounds across the United States.

The WHI has three arms: (1) Clinical trials to study health effects of low-fat dietary modifications, hormone therapies, and calcium and Vitamin D supplements. These clinical trials are now complete, and the WHI has started an extension study to monitor the health of over 93,000 original participants. (2) An observational study to track medical histories or changes in health that might point to health problems. (3) A community prevention study to create programs that encourage women to eat healthy, exercise, and stop smoking.

The Women’s Health Initiative is the largest women’s health prevention study ever conducted.

Here’s what an article JAMA this week says about the WHI’s most wide-reaching research conclusions from their long-running randomized clinical trials.

For postmenopausal women, the WHI randomized clinical trials do not support menopausal hormone therapy to prevent cardiovascular disease or other chronic diseases.

Menopausal hormone therapy is appropriate to treat bothersome vasomotor symptoms among women in early menopause, without contraindications, who are interested in taking hormone therapy.

The WHI evidence does not support routine supplementation with calcium plus vitamin D for menopausal women to prevent fractures or a low-fat diet with increased fruits, vegetables, and grains to prevent breast or colorectal cancer.

A potential role of a low-fat dietary pattern in reducing breast cancer mortality, a secondary outcome, warrants further study.

Where does the WHI stand today, given that their main research trials have concluded? Garnet Anderson, a biostatistician who runs the WHI coordinating center, was quoted in this article in Science:

WHI currently enrolls 42,000 women, who update the researchers regularly on their health. The contract cut will prevent researchers at WHI’s four sites from continuing to interact with the women in this cohort, which has enabled researchers to create the country’s largest data set on women in their 80s and 90s. “Our ability to understand what’s going on with those women will be severely curtailed,” Anderson says. “They’ve been dedicated to this process for 30 years and provide their data generously. They’ve told us they want to be followed. It’d be disrespectful not to do that.”

Now, to the big question: why in the world would anyone cut this program, which costs peanuts and stands out as a shining example of the power of medical research to improve the lives of women worldwide? After all, 55 million people in the US and 1.1 billion people worldwide are post-menopausal women. The WHI is the main research instrument used to investigate women’s aging and health conditions like cardiovascular disease.

My answer is this: there is no rhyme or reason to be found in the Trump administration’s deadly flailings-about, crashing programs, repairing some, promising restoration to others, and with no accountability on follow-through.

Take a look here at this article by STAT on “Day by day, Trump is roiling science and health”. You’ll see a chaotic and destructive pattern of cancelling programs for women, poor people, LGBTQ populations, health monitoring and international cooperation, and basic medical research. Some programs have been told that their funding would be restored, but we don’t know when or if or how that would happen.

This CNN article offers a bigger-picture view of the breadth of harms being imposed by the Trump administration’s attacks on health prevention and research programs. No state, however red it may be, is protected by these program cancellations. Health needs transcend politics, and we are starting to see the responses from health workers and patient groups all over the US.

Speaking out, following up, writing, signing, marching, donating, holding officials accountable, making people uncomfortable– it’s having effects, however small so far.

One thought that is making me smile: the idea of some percentage of those 55 million post-menopausal women marching, going on strike, taking to the airwaves and social media, reminding the administration and all their collaborators that we are out and about, taking names, organizing and voting.

Sat with Nat · trans

Nat chose to engage in a confrontation about women’s sports

natalieh (she/her)1 Comment

Despite my plucky demeanor I do not seek out conflict or confrontations. They do find me though. Sometimes I do the calculation and decide it’s safe enough for me to give it.

Friday April 18 was a stat holiday in Canada. My beloved and I decided to pop in to one of our favourite breakfast spots and then go vote. Advance polls were open for our federal election and we didn’t want to miss out on participating.

We had a wonderful meal. As we were finishing up, a table of four were seated next to us. Michel made a face as they walked to their table. My back was to the group.

He spoke to me in French “We need to leave, I’ll explain outside.”

Despite being in a multi-lingual community we often use French when we need to speak “in code”.

I flagged our server to ask for the bill. Then I saw what was written on the shirts and hoodies of the table next to us.

“Keep women’s sports female.”

“There are only two genders.”

“Say no to males competing as females.”

My jaw dropped. I gave them the stink eye. As our server brought the point of sale I told my partner in code “I’m going to say something as we leave.”

He made big eyes. I knew he worried he would loose his temper. I wasn’t sure I could do better but the hot feeling in my belly prompted me to take action.

My quick calculation was that we were leaving, I would be standing and able to easily get away.

I chose to leverage my cis-gendered, white, middle class privilege.

I switched to English as I stood to leave and faced their table.

“I’m shocked that you would proudly wear hateful things on your clothes in public. My kid is trans. She is excluded from so many things. Why would you think that calling for exclusion of anyone is ok?”

One person asked if I loved women. I wish I had the wherewithal to say something quippy like “So much so I’ve gone down on them.” but I merely said “yes”.

They then started spewing rhetoric about protecting women.

“I do not feel protected by what you are doing. You are being awful. You ruined our time here today with your slogans. I hope you have a terrible day.”

Then we left.

Why did I bother saying anything? These folks were not looking for a debate. They were looking for people to loudly agree or silently implying endorsement.

I refused to allow them to think I agreed with them. I wanted them to take their awful hatred and hide it.

This “movement” is thanks to the American president issuing an order about excluding trans and gender nonconforming people from participating in sport in February.

The American Civil Liberties Union has a lovely article from 2020 on the myths about trans athletes and how those are used to incite hatred.

Four Myths about Trans Athletes.

Cate also wrote about Why the conversation about trans people in sports isn’t about trans people in sports.

This is not about women’s sports but we do need to talk about inclusion in our sports settings.

Sport gives us so much and culturally we are regressing with respect to inclusion. And I’m not having it.

I share this experience with you so that you can think about when you want to confront people. Or take other actions. Any one of us can’t do everything but we can each do something. We need to be brave. We need to speak up. We also need to be safe. I trust you to figure out what works for you.

I’m still thinking of better things I could have said.

Pink and blue letters proclaim “trans rights are human rights”. Designed by Tim P Simpleton. Used with permission.
fitness

Risks the Fit is a Feminist Issue Bloggers Took and Do Not Regret, #Daily Writing Prompt

Sam B
Daily writing prompt
Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.
View all responses

Christine

Telling people that I have ADHD.

There was (and still is) the risk of being misunderstood, of being dismissed or undervalued, of being judged.

I accept the risks because it is so much easier to operate in the world when I can be honest about my challenges and make good use of my strengths. I don’t have to put any energy into managing perceptions and/or trying to be something I’m not.

And if people judge or dismiss me? They are missing out.

adhd text
Photo by Tara Winstead on Pexels.com

Elan

I risk a tummy ache with every second helping of dessert, but I never regret it.

Dessert

Catherine

Turning down a tenure track job when I had no other offers (yet). I had applied for everything in sight and got an offer at a small state university in the West. But I knew it wasn’t right for me. I opted to hold out, and I lucked out- I got the job I have now. That was 2001, and I have pretty much been happy as a clam with my colleagues and students (and I get to live in Boston, which I love dearly).

Pink trees

Sam

Moving to Guelph. I had lived in London a long time and worked at Western University for a long time, nearly 25 years. I felt very settled in the community, knew all the best bike routes, loved our neighbourhood, and had lots of friends. It’s been hard to settle in Guelph in part because the big job that brought me here is so demanding and in part because of the lure of the nearby big city. Hi Toronto! For a time I still had a London eye doctor and dentist, but now–seven years later!–I’ve moved all the things. I still visit London frequently because my daughter Mallory is there, as as lots of friends. But I don’t regret the move. I’m getting to know Guelph and love it here.

high towers of old stone building
Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

Cate

Je ne regrette rien! Everything is learning.

vibrant kingfisher perched on branch over water
Photo by Jean-Paul Wettstein on Pexels.com

Nicole

 I’ve left two jobs without having anyone one lined up. First time, it wasn’t very long before I found the next job that taught me a lot. The second time was to leave a toxic manager and it took several months to find next job but I don’t regret it in the slightest. I’m fortunate to have had that option both times. I would have regretted staying in jobs staying in jobs that were making me miserable and making it hard to get out of bed in the morning.

a dog sleeping on the grass
Photo by Swapnil Sharma on Pexels.com

Martha

I twice made a decision that could easily have gone sideways. The first was when I decided to accept a six month contract without any back up because I really needed a change in employment. The second came when I was made redundant from the job I got after the six month contract. I decided to freelance and set up my own consulting company and I have been doing so for the last 20 years (my 20th anniversary is in October of this year!). In both cases I had no idea what was waiting for me but I am so glad I took those risks. They changed my work life for the better.

silhouette of man standing sideways on seashore
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

Diane

I’m with Cate (and Edith Piaf – thanks for the ear worm Cate Creede-Desmarais). I often joke that I am not a contemplative person but it is actually deliberate choice. I am fully capable of obsessing about stupid stuff I did in high school, so I prefer to just go full steam ahead and not think about potential consequences, or reflect on them later. It almost always works out just fine.

Chronicles of 50, part 2: Kim is still climbing that mountain, at the top of which she learns a valuable lesson about how to go on
aging · climbing · fitness

Chronicles of 50, part 2: Kim is still climbing that mountain, at the top of which she learns a valuable lesson about how to go on

Sam B

by Kim Solga

(This is part two of a two-part post about Kim’s turning 50. CW: some talk about body image and weight, as a part of reflecting honestly on the aging process)

I was home from Jordan maybe a couple of weeks before Sam starting asking me to write a post about my adventures. I love to write and I love Sam so of course I agreed. I figured Sam wanted me to do a blow-by-blow of how awesome it all was, but I had another idea.

I booked that adventure in Jordan in September 2023, after dad’s death was in the rearview and things with mom were starting to settle down. It was supposed to be a cycling trip at first, and I was super keyed up about treating myself to what I was sure would be a really solid riding adventure. After all, I was a fearless cyclist, and the summer before I was still doing centuries with my club. But summer 2023 was not my best cycling season (no kidding Kim; your dad had just died and your mom had become your ward!), and by summer 2024 and in the wake of the crash, I felt something new.

I thought of the impending birthday riding trip, and I felt scared.

I decided the risk of becoming re-injured in the Middle East was too great. I swapped the riding trip for a hiking one that was classed as “moderate” on the adventure company website, and I began to feel confidence return. I’m a good hiker and I can climb with great endurance; I was sure this would be fun and only a bit of a challenge.

I needed new gear for the trip, so I took myself to my local outdoor shop in early September. I tried on a bunch of different hiking trousers; the ones in “my size” did not fit. By some margin. I grabbed larger sizes, fending off panic. When I found a couple of pairs that fit and looked good I began to breathe out again. But then, oh then, I had to do the swimsuits.

When I flew to Amman on 26 September, I was trepidatious. My body was now noticeably different to me; after the outdoor store experience I began scrutinizing myself in the mirror; my middle was bigger, and seemed to be getting bigger every day. I tried on a bunch of my lesser-worn clothes and quickly built a donation pile. I tried to breathe and reminded myself that when I was sharp in those black and white check trousers I was 43; it’s not unreasonable that they are not a good fit for me now. I made another pile of clothes to take to my tailor, and I assured myself Monty would make me both look and feel good in them again. Still, I cried.

On our first full day in Jordan, I learned that, with one exception, my hiking companions were about 30. One of them had completed an ironman only days before! Over breakfast the next morning, several of them were sharing mountain climbing stories; the Welsh trio were swapping hill-bagging brags. I realized that this was a super fit group; I was fit too, I once more told myself, but… I wasn’t 30 anymore. And I hadn’t been up a mountain in quite a while.

What if I couldn’t do this? Or worse: what if I could do it, but I was… slow? Held us up? Ended up the slower, older, odd one out?

Anxiety clutched my insides as we boarded the bus for our first destination.

OK, so a lot happened over the next few days. Two of the youngsters fell stomach-ill, affecting our pace and reminding me that everyone is vulnerable adventuring far from home. I kept up; I felt proud of myself. I also struggled with the rock-scrambling, of which there was more (A LOT MORE) than advertised. I turned my struggles into a joke, pretending they were an aberration for me; every new rocky rise sent my heart into my throat.

By the time we got to Mountain Day, me and myself had to have a talk.

You’ve got to make a choice, I reasoned. Up until now, you’ve gotten away (sort of) with pretending you’re still 30, and hiding the physical and mental pain that’s causing you. Sure, you’ve proved it: you can keep up. But why? What do you gain? And what are you losing?

That afternoon, in the back of the open jeep, barreling through the Wadi Rum desert, I told the two women I was riding with about my AnkSpon. About the bike crash. About how my left side hurt, pretty much all the time, and about how I’d initially planned to do the cycling trip but then got cold feet.

One of them, George, asked me point blank: Kim, are you scared of what we’re about to do? Are you afraid of the climb?

I said I was. And then I felt about a thousand times better.

By the time we gathered at the base of Jabal Umm ad Dami , everyone knew I was worried – and everyone knew to look out for me. I joked with Larry the Body Builder, incredibly sweet and unbelievably jacked, that it was a good thing he could bench press two of me with air to spare because, if I got into trouble, he was going to be my ride. He said sure, of course! As we rose into the sky I hung toward the back of the pack mostly, with different 30-somethings taking turns at my side. We still climbed in (what was for the adventure company) record time.

The feeling at the summit was, for me, exhilarating. Not only had I done the thing, but I hadn’t pretended it was easy. I’d asked if I needed a hand. I hadn’t asked us to slow down, but I knew that I could if I wanted to.

We took a bunch of goofy pictures, poised awkwardly on the narrow swell of summit rocks. We turned our mobile phones toward the Saudi border, trying to catch a signal. We ate dates and saluted Mohammed, who (holy crap!) climbs the mountain 3-4 times a week in high season and knew all the best ways down. We laughed at how much more fit he was than the rest of us.

I felt strong, and I felt free.

***

At the end of my two months away, I spent a week at the Plum Village practice centre in southern France. I lived in the nuns’ community, Lower Hamlet. We meditated together, ate in silence together, sang together, cleaned the dishes together, walked together, got lost on a hike together (really! The novice nun who had been there just a few days laughed with us as she told us she had no idea where we were), and much more.

We were present to each other, together. I’ve never felt more at peace, more in my whole self, in my whole life.

This is a typical reaction for first time visitors to Plum Village (I’m assured), but it also had a profound effect on me.

The peace lasted a couple of weeks; the memories will last longer. But not long after I landed back in Toronto, I felt the anxiety return with a vengeance.

A few days ago I was at the gym when I had a panic attack. We were rowing 1000m; I aimed for my “usual top pace” and freaked out when I realized I had come out of the block far too hard. My usual top pace was not my usual top pace anymore.

I got off the rower, stood in front of my barbell, and hung my head between my knees. I couldn’t find my breath; I couldn’t find my ground.

I couldn’t find now.

Later, the coach, Craig, reminded me that nobody is bionic; we all have to adjust, all the time.

And so I’m trying. I try hard each day to remember the lessons of my time away. Of being with the me of that moment; of adjusting myself to the needs of that moment. Of feeling the earth, the rocks, the sun, sky, and air. Of living the exhilaration of the moment, however it shows up to meet me.

It’s a daily challenge. It will be a whole life challenge.