Hey Team,
I hate the word should and I am not friends with the word shouldn’t.
Ok, maybe it’s not about the words themselves, it might be about the ways that those words are often used.
Should/shouldn’t seem to be the go-to words for judging/shaming people and/or judging/shaming ourselves and I don’t think that they actually do much good.
Instead, I think that those words often end up not only making us feel bad but also limiting our options and keeping us stuck.
You know how these things usually play out…
“I should be more disciplined about this.”
“I should be able to get up earlier.”
“You should just try harder.”
“I shouldn’t need a reminder to do my workout.”
“You shouldn’t need a break yet.”
Each of those statements – yes, the ones that I wrote – made me cringe and feel badly for the person on the receiving end.
Yes, I feel bad for imaginary people hearing the sentences that I made up as examples and I want to rush to help them. Can you even imagine what I am like when I hear a should/shouldn’t statement in real life?
The weight of judgement and recrimination in those statements is painful, weighty, and pointless.
I would love to be able to banish that type of judgement from our brains (and our statements) entirely but seeing as that’s not possible, let’s do a work-around and see if we can prevent ourselves from getting stuck.
What about if, instead of letting the words should or shouldn’t lead us into judgement and blame, we decided that they are cues for asking ourselves some questions?
Let’s practice with the statements I listed above:
- “I should be more disciplined about this.” Why is it hard for me to be disciplined about this? How can I make it easier for me to get to this task? Is there something I can change about the task or my environment to make it less challenging to start?
- “I should be able to get up earlier.” What is making it difficult for me to get up earlier? Do I need to go to bed earlier? Do I need to change the time I planned to do my practice? Do I need a better alarm clock? Do I need to plan something to look forward to first thing in the morning?
- “You should just try harder.” Is someone judging me unfairly for not having the same results as someone else? How can I distance myself from their opinion? If you are actually struggling with the task, then ask what is making this task so difficult for me? Do I have obstacles that I need to address? (Please note that an obstacle is an obstacle whether or not it “should” be a problem for you. It’s better to deal with the obstacle, to find a solution, than to try to convince yourself that it’s not there.) It’s possible that you may need to put in more effort but it is more likely that you need a different system/approach to the issue. My ADHD brain has a lot of resentment built up about being told to try harder when I was already working ridiculously hard in systems that were never going to work for me.
- “I shouldn’t need a reminder to do my workout.” What’s wrong with needing a reminder for a workout? Is this ‘should’ connected to other events or other needs that I have been judged or I have judged myself for? Is there a way to help myself accept that if a reminder makes it easier to workout then it is a valuable tool, not a problem.
- “You shouldn’t need a break yet.” If you need a break, you need a break no matter how someone shoulds you but you can ask yourself things like – Is there a reason I can’t take a break now? If this isn’t the usual time people take breaks then are they suffering or has something gone awry for me? What is leading to me needing a break right now? Is it a big deal if I just take it? Is there something I need to do differently to make it easier to wait for a break?
Once you have asked yourself some questions and identified different ways of thinking about things or different ways of doing things, then you can figure out how to proceed.
It will take practice to get out of the should/shouldn’t habit but you really don’t have to get stuck in the should/blame/shame cycle.
Instead, when a ‘should’ moment arrives, you can take it as a sign that it is time to look deeper and figure out what is going on for you in this situation.
And I hope it will look a little something like this:
“Journaling should be easy by now!” “Oh, a should just came up. I wonder what my brain is up to now?” “Oh, trying to journal in the morning is frustrating for me because I can feel my to do list hovering. Maybe I should try journaling at a different time of day.”
Instead of this:
“Journaling should be easy by now.” “I should try harder.” “Why can’t I ever just stick to things?” “Why don’t I have more discipline?” (I’ll stop there, you know how this lousy routine goes.)
Anyway, Team, today I am inviting you to notice if you are employing ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ as a way to shame yourself into getting stuff done. And if you are, then I invite you to turn those should statements into questions so you can help yourself forge ahead.
And, as always, here is your gold star for your efforts – your efforts to work on your practices, your efforts to figure out your next steps, your efforts to ask questions instead of accepting ‘shoulds’, and your efforts to to take good care of yourself.
I wish you ease and self-kindness.
Go Team Us!
