Truth be told, I’m saying a lot more than that to this upper body tension but this post isn’t about maybe swearing will help, I wrote about that a few weeks ago.
So, the knot in my neck I mentioned in my swearing post has practically gone but this week has been an engraved invitation to muscle tension.
I had lots of things to get done, a lot of task/context switching, a couple of deadlines, some unclear expectations from other people, and I slept poorly.
I had a migraine on Tuesday* and another migraine (the same migraine?) was hunting me Wednesday and Thursday, and everyone I have ever met wanted me to have a ‘quick meeting.’**
Anyway, I was doing what I do under that kind of deluge…
Hiking my shoulders up by my ears and gritting my back teeth as I worked hard to keep my focus.
Does this look like me? Not particularly. Is it evocative of the feeling I was having? Yep. It also makes me look a little like I have Angel wings which is misleading to say the least. Image description: a quick cartoonish sketch in black ink of a person with chin length hair and glasses with their shoulders all bunched up next to their ears and their jaw a little sideways. Their mouth is a single small diagonal line.
Was this helpful?
No, it was not.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Despite trying to remember to drop my shoulders away from my ears/ relax my jaw, I ended up turning my upper body into a giant ball of tense muscle that even Robaxacet screamed in terror and ran away from.
After several days of doing everything I could think of to find some ease, I dredged up an old technique out of my muscle memory (This is where the title comes it, it wasn’t just nonsense!***)
I started by generating even more muscle tension, breathing in as I balled up my fists and hiked my shoulders up as far as they would go.
Another flattering representation of me. Judging by the vertical lines on my clothes, I have now apparently gone to an odd prison or to an 80s power lunch. image description: another cartoonish drawing of a person with chin-length hair and glasses, cheeks puffed out from holding their breath, hands balled up in fists, shoulders as high up as they will go, wearing a dress (?) with vertical black lines on it.
I held my breath for 10 seconds.
Then I quickly dropped my shoulders, flicked open my hands, and shouted ‘PAH!’
Each drawing more lovely than the last. Image description: a cartoonish drawing of person with chin length hair and glasses with their mouth open wide. A speech balloon next to their head reads ‘PAH!’ In this drawing, their shoulders are at normal height and their neck is actually visible. Their hands are hanging down at their sides and their fingers are spread out a little. They are wearing a vertically-striped shirt (the drawing is only from the waist up.)
Why ‘Pah’? Damned if I know! That was just what I was taught the first time I learned the technique.
I’ve seen this routine in lots of videos and tip guides since I first learned it but I’m not sure where I got it in the first place.
Anyway, no matter where it came from, it helps, especially if you do it a lot.
I’m over here saying ‘Pah! Humbug!’ and you are quite welcome to join me but I can’t help but wonder if you have any other little tension-easing tricks?
*Yes, yes, I do see the connection now. Those fabled, eyeless fish that people found in underwater caves back in the day likely saw that cause and effect before me but yes, I do see it.
**No disrespect intended to anyone who wanted a quick chat/meeting. It was the volume of requests that was the problem, not the requests themselves! How could anyone know what else I was juggling at the moment?
***For the record, I am strongly pro-nonsense and I reserve the right to invoke it at any time.
I’ve thought about all of these things before but I decided to articulate them more clearly after watching this video from Jessica McCabe’s YouTube channel How to ADHD:
a video from the YouTube channel ‘How to ADHD’ called ‘The Struggle to Relax: Why ADHD Makes it Tough.’ The still image shows the host, Jessica McCabe, sitting in a chair with a purple wall behind her on one side and a set of pink-lighted shelves with toys and knick-knacks on them on her other side.
My Thoughts On Relaxing
So, here’s the thing, I’m not very good at doing nothing.
It’s not that I can’t relax, it’s not that I need to be busy, it’s not that I need to work all the time, and it’s definitely not that I can’t take downtime.
It’s that trying to do nothing, having no plans at all, makes my ADHD brain twitchy.
If I’m doing nothing in particular, my brain goes into high gear trying to figure out what I *should* be doing right now.
It will keep trying to figure out the ‘best’ thing to do right now. The thing that will make me the most relaxed or that will set me up to have a better time later or that will make tomorrow easier or that will let me ‘catch up.’
It will keep throwing up ideas and images of a ‘better’ or ‘more effective’ way to spend my time.
And that’s frustrating, to say the least.
So, obviously, ‘doing nothing’ is not particularly relaxing for me.
If I want to really feel relaxed, I have to do a little bit of preplanning (i.e. make some decisions in advance) so my brain will give me a break.
Here are two approaches that help me do that.
I plan a day of things I enjoy doing and make a loose schedule of when I am going to do them.
This looks like “I’m going to read and drink tea until 10, then I’ll draw for half an hour or so, then I’ll go for a walk.”
The key here is having the time limits, otherwise, I might read and drink tea all day.
That would be fine, really…except for the fact that I might have other things I want to do but be unable to switch tasks and do them.
Yes, one of the pitfalls of ADHD is not being able to start things I actually want to do. My brain sometimes perceives the task initiation/future concentration costs as too high and just won’t switch tasks.
Or I might have a grumpy voice in my head reminding me of the other things I could be doing – a situation which ruins the fun of reading but also leaves me unable to switch tasks.
Or, I might happily read all day and then regret it later when I remember all the other things I meant to do that day. So, time limits make all the difference.
I will usually take a look at my plans part way through the day and make sure that I still want to do those things and, if not, I make a new plan.
And I always give myself the option of choosing something unexpected but having the loose schedule helps me make a conscious choice instead of just letting myself be distracted. “Ok, so I planned to keep drawing all morning but I’d really like some cookies. I’m going to draw for 15 minutes, make cookies, and then draw some more while they bake.”
I make a list of stuff I want to do and I let my brain off its metaphorical leash (to borrow Jessica McCabe’s term)
My favourite kind of day is one in which I can do the things on my list in the way I want to do them and in the order I want to do them.
What does that mean?
Well, instead of trying to figure out the most logical or effective way to do my stuff, I just wander from task to task in whatever order appeals to my brain.
On those days, I don’t worry about finishing things or doing things in a way that will make sense to anyone else, I just make a list and then putter my way through it.
If for example, I was letting my brain off-leash on a Saturday but I had to get some stuff done around the house, it might look like this – put in a load of laundry, read for five minutes, clean off the kitchen counter, do some yoga, use voice dictation to write part of a blog post while I lie on my mat, clean the bathroom vanity, hang some of the clothes on the line, read in my hammock, draw while standing at the kitchen table and stretching, chop some veggies for supper, finish hanging the clothes on the line, make a list of ideas for events way in the future, vacuum the hall, wash my hair…you get the idea.
With my brain off-leash, I don’t fight my ADHD tendencies, I just roll with them. I don’t feel any pressure, I don’t worry about the results, I just trust that the important stuff will get done and that I will have some relaxing fun in the process.*
A photo of the trunks, branches and leaves of the maple trees in my backyard one sunny day when my brain was off-leash. I spent a good long time lying in my hammock thinking about how some of the tree bark looked like eyes. Because I had decided to let my brain off-leash, I didn’t worry that I ‘should’ be doing something else, I could just relax and enjoy the trees.
If I was trying to work sensibly or logically or if I was trying to do things the way I suspect other people think they ‘should’ be done, I would probably group like tasks, or finish one task before starting another, or do work and then do fun stuff.
But, for me, making all those decisions (determining the priorities) takes a lot of focus, concentration, and energy. And if I use up all my energy making decisions and being sensible, I will have far less energy for the things I need or want to do.
Yes, I swear this is all relaxing for me
If you can easily switch into relaxation mode or if you have no trouble focusing on your hobbies or activities, my approach to things might not make any sense to you. Perhaps, in your case, having a list or a schedule is the very opposite of relaxing.
For me, though, having that list/schedule/plan IS relaxing. It means that I’m giving my brain what it needs to slow down. It means I can trust that I will create a satisfying day for myself. It means that my brain will work with me instead of forcing me to monitor my own thinking all day.
I’m not approaching relaxation with a productivity mindset.
This isn’t about accomplishing more, it’s about feeling good about my day.
Sometimes that looks like ‘I’ll read until I get bored and then I’ll do a puzzle’, sometimes it looks like letting my brain off its leash to do a mix of tasks, and sometimes it looks like ‘I’ll do yoga at 9:30, work on my zine for 15 minutes, and then play a game.’
All of these things help me do the things I want to do, the things I find fun and/or satisfying, without me having to pour a lot of energy into managing my brain.
All of these things help me to reduce stress and find ease.
That sounds relaxing, doesn’t it?
*Yes, it would be cool if I could just let myself work like this all the time but it’s not practical. If I don’t finish cleaning the bathroom or if I don’t get back to my book while my brain is off-leash, it’s no big deal. If I didn’t meet my deadline on a writing project because I was hanging clothes on the line and then decided to gather fall leaves for a project and then walked to the store for waxed paper so I could press the leaves…and so on, it would create a lot of stress and scrambling.
Yesterday, I was supposed to go on an orienteering run during lunchtime. Two members of my workplace’s running club had organised it to see if this was something people were interested in doing more frequently. It sounded cool, so I signed up. In orienteering, you try to find a series of waypoints marked by little flags that are indicated on a map. The goal is to find all waypoints in as little time as possible.
I rocked up to the start already frazzled: this week is the busiest week of the year for us in terms of work – we have a very important conference next week – so the days are currently long and packed. I was given a map and shown a photo of what the little flags looked like. My colleague also explained that each flag would have a little needle punch hanging off it with which to punch a control marker on my map to indicate that I had indeed found the respective waypoint. Each waypoint had a number. Here is a picture of the map (I was supposed to find control points 1, 7, 4, 6, 8, and 9):
Bettina’s orienteering map: a criss-cross of lines on a paper with the pink lines indicating my intended route and the control points (the control points outside of the pink route were for a longer course that was also on offer).
Then my colleague marked my starting time on a paper and off I set. I found the first waypoint well enough (they made it easy). Here it is:
Control point 1: an orange and white orienteering flag dangling off a fence, with a red punch stamp attached to it.
But then things got tricky. I wasn’t exactly sure how to read the map: were all the tiny trails in the forest on it, or only the bigger forest roads? Was what I was looking at the trail we usually took? Because I was generally stressed, and I didn’t have a lot of time, I was impatient. At some point I suspected I’d missed a turn, so I went back on myself. I started losing confidence in my ability to read the map. Then the next people caught up with me (they ran as a pair) and we tried to find the marker together. We thought we knew where it could be, but we were wrong.
At that point I decided to give up. I would’ve loved to go adventuring in the forest, but I just didn’t have time today: I had to get back into the office. And I wanted to get at least a bit of a speedy run in: all this back and forth looking at the map, doubling back on my way, and trying to find markers that weren’t there was stressing me out more rather than giving me the distraction I needed.
Three fellow runners in the distance, on an autumnal forest road strewn with fallen leaves. These three went just for an ordinary run without orienteering – maybe I should have just joined them!
So I decided that getting a good run in, even if it was going to be short, was my priority, and to stuff the orienteering. I left the other two guessing and looking for the control point and set off on my own. Initially I was frustrated with my inability to get the map right and with the time I had already lost: why the hell hadn’t I decided to just go for a normal run in the first place? (Answer: I had wanted to try this because it sounded fun, and also, I had committed to writing this post 😉 .)
But as I settled into a rhythm and ran on through the foggy autumnal forest on my own, I calmed down and started enjoying myself again. This is why I run: the fresh air rushing into my lungs, the regular rhythm of my feet, the focus on maintaining that rhythm – it clears my mind. I’m happy I made the right choice. Had I continued to try and find the control point, I would have gotten more and more stressed and frustrated, and felt guilty about taking too long of a time away from the office on top.
On my way back, I also found another flag (number 8), at which point I finally understood exactly how the map worked: even the tiniest almost invisible trails were marked on it and I hadn’t expected that, which is how I lost my way in the first place. When I got back I had a quick chat with the organiser who promised we’d do it again. I’ll be there – hopefully with more time and a better experience!
Image description: Yellow background with a sun reflecting on the water on the left side, a lotus flower on the water’s surface with a rippled reflection on the right side.
I went on a retreat this weekend with some friends. It was at a lakeside retreat centre a couple of hours away and the weather was beautiful. I set myself one main goal this weekend, and that was to get enough sleep.
The retreat involved organized sessions that included guided meditations. I like guided meditation especially when it’s “live” and I’m doing it with other people. But this weekend, I uncharacteristically fell asleep through each of the guided meditations. I could feel myself nodding off and there was nothing I could do about it. Obviously, I needed sleep.
This morning I was chatting with my mother, who recently completed a course on mindfulness meditation. I told her that despite the retreat, I was feeling stressed out at work. I really can’t stand complaining about workload because I have a great job and I realize that, but I do feel overwhelmed. But I mentioned this to my mother and she said, “are you practicing mindfulness?” (I love that she took that course and now is offering mindfulness as a solution to stress!).
She’s right that meditation always helps. Even if I just take a few moments of silence, it can bring me into the present moment where things seem a lot more manageable than when I am worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow.
On the retreat we learned a technique that I have encountered before called “anchoring.” If you’re feeling mental discomfort or distress, think instead of a time when you felt peaceful and content or even joyful. Really focus on that feeling and anchor it somehow (e.g. touching your ring, snapping your fingers, even inhaling an essential oil). If you really connect with that feeling and anchor it in this way, you can use your anchor to bring you back to that sense of peace and contentment when you’re feeling a more negative feeling.
The anchoring meditation was the only guided meditation that I didn’t fall asleep during. To make up for the others, I took a couple of sessions by myself to sit in silence in a beautiful meditation room they have on site, overlooking the lake. It’s called The Oasis, and for some reason no one ever seems to go there. I love it.
So I meditated, I slept, and I anchored. And yet still I came home with an uneasy feeling. I think one reason this happens after a retreat is that, for me, I have a tough time reconciling that sense of peace with the chaotic pace of my day to day life. I got back to town and went straight out to a birthday party, followed by a different celebratory dinner, followed by an event in someone’s honor. Even though these are all good things, the pace of it all reversed the sense of calm because I had to rush around. I fell into bed exhausted, and felt the urgency of the week’s tasks press upon me as soon as I opened my eyes.
The good thing about meditation, sleep, and anchoring is that you don’t need to be at a retreat centre to do them.
What are your go-tos when you’re feeling stressed out and overwhelmed?
