Relaxing in my own ADHD way

Last week, I wrote about ADHD month and how ADHD feels for me. This week, I’m writing about how tricky it can be for me to relax. 

I’ve thought about all of these things before but I decided to articulate them more clearly after watching this video from Jessica McCabe’s YouTube channel How to ADHD:

My Thoughts On Relaxing

So, here’s the thing, I’m not very good at doing nothing.

It’s not that I can’t relax, it’s not that I need to be busy, it’s not that I need to work all the time, and it’s definitely not that I can’t take downtime.

It’s that trying to do nothing, having no plans at all, makes my ADHD brain twitchy.

If I’m doing nothing in particular, my brain goes into high gear trying to figure out what I *should* be doing right now.

It will keep trying to figure out the ‘best’ thing to do right now. The thing that will make me the most relaxed or that will set me up to have a better time later or that will make tomorrow easier or that will let me ‘catch up.’

It will keep throwing up ideas and images of a ‘better’ or ‘more effective’ way to spend my time.

And that’s frustrating, to say the least.

So, obviously, ‘doing nothing’ is not particularly relaxing for me.

If I want to really feel relaxed, I have to do a little bit of preplanning (i.e. make some decisions in advance) so my brain will give me a break.

Here are two approaches that help me do that.

1. I plan a day of things I enjoy doing and make a loose schedule of when I am going to do them.

This looks like “I’m going to read and drink tea until 10, then I’ll draw for half an hour or so, then I’ll go for a walk.”

The key here is having the time limits, otherwise, I might read and drink tea all day.

That would be fine, really…except for the fact that I might have other things I want to do but be unable to switch tasks and do them.

Yes, one of the pitfalls of ADHD is not being able to start things I actually want to do. My brain sometimes perceives the task initiation/future concentration costs as too high and just won’t switch tasks.

Or I might have a grumpy voice in my head reminding me of the other things I could be doing – a situation which ruins the fun of reading but also leaves me unable to switch tasks.

Or, I might happily read all day and then regret it later when I remember all the other things I meant to do that day. So, time limits make all the difference. 

I will usually take a look at my plans part way through the day and make sure that I still want to do those things and, if not, I make a new plan. 

And I always give myself the option of choosing something unexpected but having the loose schedule helps me make a conscious choice instead of just letting myself be distracted. “Ok, so I planned to keep drawing all morning but I’d really like some cookies. I’m going to draw for 15 minutes, make cookies, and then draw some more while they bake.”

2. I make a list of stuff I want to do and I let my brain off its metaphorical leash (to borrow Jessica McCabe’s term)

My favourite kind of day is one in which I can do the things on my list in the way I want to do them and in the order I want to do them.

What does that mean?

Well, instead of trying to figure out the most logical or effective way to do my stuff, I just wander from task to task in whatever order appeals to my brain. 

On those days, I don’t worry about finishing things or doing things in a way that will make sense to anyone else, I just make a list and then putter my way through it.

If for example, I was letting my brain off-leash on a Saturday but I had to get some stuff done around the house, it might look like this – put in a load of laundry, read for five minutes, clean off the kitchen counter, do some yoga, use voice dictation to write part of a blog post while I lie on my mat, clean the bathroom vanity, hang some of the clothes on the line, read in my hammock, draw while standing at the kitchen table and stretching, chop some veggies for supper, finish hanging the clothes on the line, make a list of ideas for events way in the future, vacuum the hall, wash my hair…you get the idea. 

With my brain off-leash, I don’t fight my ADHD tendencies, I just roll with them. I don’t feel any pressure, I don’t worry about the results, I just trust that the important stuff will get done and that I will have some relaxing fun in the process.*

If I was trying to work sensibly or logically or if I was trying to do things the way I suspect other people think they ‘should’ be done, I would probably group like tasks, or finish one task before starting another, or do work and then do fun stuff. 

But, for me, making all those decisions (determining the priorities) takes a lot of focus, concentration, and energy. And if I use up all my energy making decisions and being sensible, I will have far less energy for the things I need or want to do. 

Yes, I swear this is all relaxing for me

If you can easily switch into relaxation mode or if you have no trouble focusing on your hobbies or activities, my approach to things might not make any sense to you. Perhaps, in your case, having a list or a schedule is the very opposite of relaxing.

For me, though, having that list/schedule/plan IS relaxing. It means that I’m giving my brain what it needs to slow down. It means I can trust that I will create a satisfying day for myself. It means that my brain will work with me instead of forcing me to monitor my own thinking all day. 

I’m not approaching relaxation with a productivity mindset.

This isn’t about accomplishing more, it’s about feeling good about my day. 

Sometimes that looks like ‘I’ll read until I get bored and then I’ll do a puzzle’, sometimes it looks like letting my brain off its leash to do a mix of tasks, and sometimes it looks like ‘I’ll do yoga at 9:30, work on my zine for 15 minutes, and then play a game.’

All of these things help me do the things I want to do, the things I find fun and/or satisfying, without me having to pour a lot of energy into managing my brain. 

All of these things help me to reduce stress and find ease.

That sounds relaxing, doesn’t it?

*Yes, it would be cool if I could just let myself work like this all the time but it’s not practical. If I don’t finish cleaning the bathroom or if I don’t get back to my book while my brain is off-leash, it’s no big deal. If I didn’t meet my deadline on a writing project because I was hanging clothes on the line and then decided to gather fall leaves for a project and then walked to the store for waxed paper so I could press the leaves…and so on, it would create a lot of stress and scrambling.