I’m standing at the hotel room sink brushing my teeth when I catch the sideview of my naked body in the closet mirror door. A wave of disgust hit me. I was overcome with the urge to do something drastic. I breathed. I turned off the unflattering florescent light. Who installs these things in hotel rooms anyway?
I sat down and had a good cry. I was in a hotel room in Saint John, New Brunswick because of a family medical emergency. I so desperately wanted to feel a sense of control, a moment of peace. At the same time my youngest kid is living in a tent in British Columbia between jobs, again. I’m retiring in three weeks and it feels like my life is out of control, tumbling pell-mell down a hill that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight. So instead of hating on my body I just kept crying, recognizing the body dysmorphia for a displaced need for a sense of control.
Instead of spiraling I rehearsed all the things I am doing to feel a sense of control.
Avoiding Alcohol
I continue to leave alcohol behind. When I feel this lousy I’m prone to drinking more and the one thing that won’t make me feel better is a hangover/headach.
Pool time
I love being in water and even though the pool is tiny I can still kick while holding the wall or swim into the output of the waterslide. I sleep much better for the time in the pool. I feel strong, confident and capable in my two piece meant for laps. I walked though the halls without a cover-up or shame. 50 something coping lady coming through!
Bring my Michel
Just having my special person around helped me feel grounded. A shoulder to snuggle to, a ready smile, and watching our favourite shows on a laptop like a couple of kids, it helped me feel a sense of normalcy.
Crochet
I tucked a skein of cotton under my arm and just made dishcloths. It’s really just a fancy fidget toy that gives you something at the end. It keeps me calm, helps me focus and stay in the moment.
Confront harsh truths
Seeing someone you love going through tough times is really humbling. Any illusion of control is quickly dispelled as events proceed. The urge to try and control others is huge for me. Internally I judge, blame and struggle to find meaning. Externally I keep breathing and focusing on what I can do in the moment. I don’t minimize or exagerate, I just stare the tough stuff right in the eyes and acknolwedge it.
Mine the past
A gem I unearthed in therapy was to look to my past for times I handled tough stuff well to help me have confidence on navigating life’s challenges. Many of those moments come from my fitness journey. From long bike rides to recovering from injury, my fitness activities have taught me I am capable and good at figuring things out.
Keep moving
Walking, stretching and strength training have really helped me feel a sense of peace and control.
Life keeps offering challenges and moments to rise to the occasion. I’m so grateful I’ve gathered many tools.
I’m so sorry Nat. I’m with you on ask these stresses but especially the adult children and their lives. Big hugs. That’s a pretty good list.
I agree with Sam on all of this. I especially like the crochet-as-fidget idea; I’m going to put together a little craft bag of easy stuff to do for precisely this purpose. Thanks, and hugs to you and yours.