(Trigger warning: sexual assault)
I’ve been re-assessing my eating habits in light of my recent high blood pressure diagnosis and getting at the heart of over eating with the help of a psychologist. Fortunately eating intuitively has helped a great deal as well as using Canada’s Food Guide. Not exactly a miraculous breakthrough but it has meant, since that early April appointment I’ve lost 20 lbs. I don’t think weight loss is always the answer to high blood pressure but in my case it certainly is. That’s hard for me to say because for many people their blood pressure and weight don’t impact each other.
So it’s complicated when people start to notice I’ve lost weight. On my frame right around the 20 lb mark acquaintances who haven’t seen me in a bit start asking if there’s less of me. Nope, just a good bra shirt combo I say. Thankfully I’ve trained my friends to say “hey you look great” instead of “have you lost weight?”. I hate that question. I hate the assumptions about how losing weight must be my greatest achievement since, you know, getting my carcass out of bed. I get pretty angry about the patrolling of women’s bodies and that is partly why I cultivate a punk/queer aesthetic. I want you to know when you see me I don’t give a damn about what you think women should look like and keep that opinion to yourself. I’m not here to be attractive to you, I’m here for me and what I like…oh and leave me alone.
But acquaintances are hard to wrangle, I don’t want to get into it with them. I don’t want to tell them that I started overeating after that boy stuck his hand down my pants when I was 13 when I didn’t want him to. About the time a man I worked with showed me a picture of his penis in front of our entire crew. About the time a co-worker bit my neck at a party. and on and on and on and on and the food felt good. It felt safe and after gaining 100 lbs or so they did stop bothering me, until today. Today I was in the parking lot at work and a man walked up to me and said I looked nice. He made a whimpering sound when he said it, like he could barely contain himself. I walked away.
It’s not lost on me that women’s health is impacted by sexism. That women safety plan all the time just to go for a run or a hike or a bike ride. Sometimes I forget to do these things. I forget I have to plan on other’s behaviour threatening my well-being. I resent it but not so much that I will eat myself into an early grave.
So losing the first 20 lbs has been a complicated gift and something I’m not always up for talking about. I’m glad my blood pressure is back in the normal range without medication. I am enjoying eating lots of great foods while getting the therapy I need to be healthy. It’s not easy, confronting everyday sexism without numbing it out or getting so angry my head explodes. I think I forget that because I choose to confront sexism I have to work very hard to be fit. It’s hard to manage the stress and impact of calling people out on their crap or the guilt I feel those times I just walk away.
So I keep on this path to being healthier/fitter/happier than I’ve been in a long time. It’s about so much more than how much I weigh or how much I’ve lost.
You do look great! Thanks for this post. Inspiring.
You are welcome! Glad you enjoyed it.
Great post. These issues are so complicated. When I’m trying to lose weight, it’s usually for a very simple mechanical reason, hill climbing. But instead the stream of compliments makes me want to scream. Ungrateful? I don’t know.
Hard to stay focused on health but you’re doing it. So glad it makes a difference in your blood pressure.
it is weird, the push and pull I feel about the feedback from people on my appearance. It’s doubly difficult given I think the weight loss industry is total crap and that last thing I’d want people to think is that I’ve somehow bought into that whole thing. Also weight changes are so out there, right in front of everyone, UGH.
really thoughtful, useful and close to home. I so appreciate you writing this.
🙂
Great post. I really hear what you’re saying about having complicated feelings about weight loss. On the one hand, it is a good accomplishment in this particular case. On the other hand, it’s not nearly as much of an accomplishment as lots of people will make it out to be. Or not nearly as much of an accomplishment as so many other things in your life that you’d much rather people pay attention to instead.
Exactly!
Great post. Weight loss is indeed a complicated gift. It’s amazing how many people think that it’s compliment, and not just body policing for the normative body, to tell someone they’ve lost weight. I still feel a little rush of excitement sometimes if someone makes that comment (then I’m pissed off that they feel they have the right to assess my size and whether I’m larger or smaller than the last time they saw me). Wonderful to know other women who have a broader definition of heath and fitness than what we’re taught these days. Thanks for posting.
🙂
This is so well written and so necessary. I lost 130lbs. and you can imagine the attention I have received. I have become a sexual being to all these men, besides my husband, and it is embarrassing and sometimes very difficult to navigate. I am so glad I changed my body which has ultimately changed my life for the better, but dealing with the attention and the sexual comments that come from people I know has been a real surprise. Thank you for writing this.
I’m both glad & sad that it resonates with you Gina. I’m happy that you met your goals but it really angers me it has to come with a serious downside. On some level it helps me to know it’s systemic, that it’s not my individual problem and other times just angry.
Thanks for another great and thoughtful post. I completely agree about the complexity of weight loss, and especially how it seems to invite people to give voice to all those unwelcome judgments, believing that they are conferring praise. Posts like yours and others on this blog are helping me unhook health/weight/attractiveness in myself also– a big task, but progress is being made…
I think it really helps to share our experiences to debunk the myth these are individual problems.
So true and so complicated and said so well Natalie – thanks.
Natalie, you have given me something to think about! so glad that you are feeling healthier!
I just discovered your blog and am so glad I did! I really dig your life philosophy. Fitness should be about self-care and self-love, in my opinion. Will be following your posts closely!
Great insights! Thanks for sharing. Having been on the body battle since I was 8, I found your insights refreshing.
be it resolved we will no longer battle with our bodies! I sure am due for some peace, I hope you find more peace too.