Pre-31 year old me wouldn’t have thought about this question. I wasn’t a runner. I wasn’t particularly “athletic”. I was still defined, athletically, at least in my mind, by being a smoker in my youth. One who got out of breath running across the street and stopped mid run during gym class in Grade 7 to have a smoke. Keeping aside our society’s current judgement of what I just described, it is simply a fact that this was part of my non-athletic youth. The one where I felt like an outsider in gym class and felt like all volleyballs were headed in my direction, waiting for the right moment to knock my thick glasses off my face. I couldn’t picture myself being one of the pretty girls who wore 80’s lycra the way the manufacturer’s intended, during “gymnastics” class. The only part of gym class I have a vague memory of enjoying, was Grade 9 “co-ed” aerobics. Partly, because it wasn’t a team sport. I could do my thing in my own spot and partly because there were cute boys around who I could crush on while practicing my calisthenics.
Anyone who has read my posts for FIFI knows that I started running around 31 and it changed my life. As drastic as that may sound. There are 3 things that I would say changed my life in a positive way: (1) running (2) getting my rescue dog Barley in 2014 and (3) meeting my husband Gavin.
What are some things that didn’t change my life for the better? Hmm, leaving high school before I graduated to work more and to “finish” later. Leaving the University of Windsor before 3rd year to finish part time and start working full time (I mean, the job I started led to good things, so not all bad decisions are completely bad). Allowing my brain to make me feel insecure in many scenarios in my life and not figuring out better ways of combating that earlier.
I could tell you all the things I’ve achieved to counteract the things I mention in the above paragraph, but that’s not the point of this post. And, sometimes, I think, it’s best to leave things there, without commenting further. Just let them be. In more ways than leaving them here “to be” on the page (what is going to happen if I leave it there – will people judge me? Maybe. But, I’m 51.10 and if I can’t be truthful about myself now, when will I be.
Anyway, back to running. It has been such a constant source of mental relief, providing a needed physical outlet, a source of found fitness – and a HUGE ego boost. The first time I completed a half marathon – I WAS A RUNNER! I cried. The first time I completed a full marathon, my late Aunt Rae called me. She was about 80 then. She was a huge influence and presence in my life but we didn’t talk regularly at that time, but she called and she was crying about how proud of me she was and I will never forget that. I have been running regularly for 20 years now. I AM A RUNNER.
I don’t just run for the ego boost. I LOVE RUNNING. I understand that’s not true for everyone. That’s fine. I support people doing what works for them. But, I just said to my niece Carly, last week, “I never don’t want to run”. It’s true. I may be tired some mornings. I may side eye the weather. But I always look forward to my run. I appreciate the run. I was just listening to Julia-Louis Dreyfus’ Wiser Than Me podcast episode with Patti Smith. One of the things Patti talked about was how she says thank you to everything – the fish she is about to eat, her toothbrush, the shoes on her feet. I do too. I have been saying mantras when I run for a couple years now and I often say “I am. I can. I will. I do – Thank you”. Thank you for being able to run on this day, pretty much, is the sentiment, in my head.
I have other ways I practice my fitness and they all serve different purposes for me. Running isn’t the only fitness I do regularly but I think of it kind of as my “gateway” to thinking of myself as an athlete.
Last week, I had an incident that has thrown my running off course, a little. I was having trouble with my contact lenses when I went out for my usual Sunday long run. About a third of the way in, after playing with my contact lens for too long, I got the bright idea to just take the offending lens out of my eye. I have terrible eyesight. This was a bad decision. The difference between the one eye with the lens still in and the other one without, made me very unstable. Eventually, I accepted I couldn’t run. Then, I couldn’t walk either. It was a terrible feeling as I penguin-walked without being able to see properly while the elderly man with a cane clocked past me. Ultimately, about 2/3rds into my planned route, I decided I had to Uber home. It was disappointing but I figured it was just my contacts and chalked it up to an off day.
I decided that I had to go out for a run the next day, before work, to make up for the incomplete run day. I think, in the back of my mind, I knew there was a chance my brain would still be thinking of how unstable I felt the day before. I have a history of anxiety-induced panic attacks, involving different forms of movement. Generally, my feet feel better with both feet on the ground and my brain doesn’t like it when it doesn’t feel completely in control.
When I headed out for my compensatory run, I still felt a bit wobbly. Not my feet so much as my head. But that had it’s affect on my feet. And the more I had this problem, the more I felt unstable. The more I had this problem, my upper back and neck and head stiffened. I lost the ability to move my head safely peripherally. I was in panic mode. I stopped running again. Again, I had problems walking too. My mind was jumbled, racing, and unstable. I made it to a Starbuck’s not far from home, to use the washroom. Part of the problem with incomplete running is that when you are dressed for a run, and you end up barely walking, you can end up cold. I was cold. I was annoyed, frustrated and wondering who the fuck I was.
I texted Gavin to let him know I was having an issue. He was already on his way, walking in the other direction, to work. He asked me if he should come meet me. I said I was probably fine, but if he wanted to, sure. He met me there and with him with me, I felt less unstable walking back home. Not 100% but better. I already knew this mostly a “my brain is causing me problems” thing.
While trying to nurse my ego with positive thoughts, I talked to people who have had similar problems. I did some research. I read about things such as Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV). I saw my doctor. I considered SSRIs. I tried some Tai Chi, Yoga for Vertigo and Grounding and I saw a physiotherapist who specializes in vestibular issues. I CANNOT NOT BE ABLE TO WALK AND RUN. Not for a situation that is mostly anxiety-induced. Short story is that I do not have BPPV. I do seem to have some type of anxiety induced vestibular issue. I know and my health professionals agree, I cannot avoid walking and running as that will just make it worse (see driving, which I don’t do anymore). I did not go on SSRIs for now. My doctor did agree to give me mild dosed Ativan if I’m having a panic attack. I haven’t used it yet. I’m doing balancing exercises that the physio gave me and will see him for awhile. I’ve made myself go out for walks and to the gym (I’m completely fine at the gym – more proof that it’s a head problem). Some of my walking has been soul-deflating. On one trip over the bridge, coming home from work, I had to call Gavin and talk to him to distract me from the panic that almost had me frozen in one spot and wanting to sit down in the middle of the bridge filled with people. Despite the not-so-great walks, I’ve had some more successful ones. I’ve been practicing grounding mantras (I am safe. I am grounded). Some stimming practices with my hands. Some singing while walking. I’ve started rating my walks and most of my walks were about a 75-80% in the normal range for me. This morning, I went out for a walk instead of a run. The beginning was a bit weird but it got better and I practiced jogging for short bursts. I didn’t feel like I could run the whole way like I normally would but I celebrated those short bursts.
I feel confident I will work through this and be running again soon. I am pretty sure my walking is mostly back to normal.
Who am I if I’m not running or a runner? I’m me. I’m prone to anxiety. I’m high-functioning when I’m not in panic attack mode. I’m many things that I won’t list here. Dammit, I don’t want to lose the running though.
