This post is late. Because I’m on coronavirus time.
This is a time zone that seems to hover above clock time, first-day-of-spring time, days of the week. My body is inhabiting some zone where my energy is fed and sapped by a kind of invisible anxiety — I have food, no one in my personal life is sick, I always work at home, so this shouldn’t be “that different.” But, everything IS different because we don’t know what to expect from moment to moment. And that is showing up for me as powerful, irresistible fatigue.
I’ve been coaching people throughout this week about how they’re navigating this time, and everyone is in a surreal space, in a tango between anxiety, loss of control, fear of scarcity, and knowing they have resources but having a hard time using them.
I’m the same — I have all the resources, for working at home, working out at home, connecting with people I care about, feeding the sense of community in the building I live in, friends close enough I can walk with and sustain social distancing norms. I have cats to cuddle. But I’m having a hard time *doing* anything. I haven’t touched Yoga with Adriene. I haven’t run since Wednesday and I had to force myself out. My art-making supplies are sitting out, untouched. Even though I’m usually pretty tidy, my vacuum has been in the middle of my living room for a week, there are little piles of laundry everywhere, my dishes fill my counter, and a new hallway rug sits rolled up on a bare floor. I am pretty good at “being with” what is happening — I can name it, I can navigate my scarcity fears — but I can’t seem to DO anything.
How are you managing? What’s making this surreal time manageable for you?
One thing that’s helping is making time dates to do things. I did a personal training session with the amazing Alex on Thursday, which helped. I have met a couple of friends for walks, touching elbows through our coats. I’m about to do one of the Amazing Alex’s online classes, and then meet Kim for a hike. Getting out of the inside of my head.
What about you? What is giving shape to your days? How are you finding grounding?
Fieldpoppy is Cate Creede, who is living in a kind of feral way in Toronto.