Sat with Nat

Cold feet

On Thursday June 2, 2016 I started crying as I was  heading to bed. I was tired from my work week and having post-convention blues. It happens sometimes when I leave a really great counterculture space and wish that life outside of those great spaces was a little more equitable and queer. 

I cried because I resented the 5 hours of driving I’d be doing Sunday for The Big Meeting. I cried because I doubted that I can do this ride, fundraise enough, belong. Everything. 

I cried because I’m feeling the crunch on the history course I’m finishing and the degree I have yet to get. 

I cried about changes in my paid work, about my parenting, about some folks close to me who are going through some truly terrible times. 

I sobbed. It was pretty hideous and went on for a few hours. 

I  wanted to drop out of the ride and hide in a hole until the summer was over. Not a great night. I decided I’d go to the meeting on Sunday and if I still felt this way I’d drop from the event. 

Part of what has been bothering me is trying to understand why I signed up for the event. Partly it was to ride with awesome people and have an adventure. It was also about reclaiming HIV/AIDS activism in a way that is healthy for me. Those are reasons that make sense to me. 

A big part is ego, I love the attention of engaging in physical events, I love impressing people with my feats. Those are pretty shitty reasons to do things. 

I’m glad to say I got a lot out of going to Toronto on Sunday. It wasn’t the meeting content. Susan was there and we connected with another teammate Joh for post meeting socializing. 

Susan never misses a chance to promote our swag
Susan introduced me to riders from the team she ride with last year including Ananda who is also on Switchin’ Gears (our team).
So I’m back in the saddle again, riding 100 km to meet the deadline for being able to do that distance. My fundraising has gotten a kick in the seat of the pants thanks to generous friends & family. If you’d like to sponsor me click here!

Also, Susan does a great job modeling the t-shirt. So please do buy blog swag if you are so moved, net proceeds go to our team fundraising for PWA Toronto. 

8 thoughts on “Cold feet

  1. OMG this post makes me want to come right over to your place a hug you. What you’re doing is an amazing and courageous thing. It’s a challenge for sure. But it’s also a thing you really believe in. And you’ve got great support on your team and lots of people (me, me!!) cheering you on from the sidelines (go, you!!). I didn’t know it was causing you quite this much anxiety and emotional pain. Big hugs and I know you can do it. They ride at all paces for the rally and if”keeping up” is one of the psychological obstacles (that would loom large for me) I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding a pace group to ride with. Love and hugs. ❤️

    1. I’m ok. I only share pit of despair stuff once I’m on the other side 🙂
      And I’m always up for a hug!

  2. Maybe I am just rationalizing but I don’t think there is anything wrong with enjoying attention and impressing people. If you stomped on others to do that, or had that be your prime motivator in life, that would be a problem. But we are social beings and we live partly in and through our interactions with others and the mutual recognitions we enact. I think it is fun and normal to enjoy impressing people, and women should own that more.

    1. I agree with Rebecca that it’s nice to impress people. But I also agree with Nat that as a primary motive it there’s nothing else drawing you to a thing, it’s not enough. It wouldn’t be enough for me in any case, as much as I enjoy kudos. Love them actually!!

    2. This is so true. When I did the Halton Grand Fondo, that was so commercial with only a little charity, I was unimpressed. I wouldn’t do it again. But the Bike Rally? Hells yes!!

  3. Love youuuuuu!!!

    You are going to be just fine! And it’s going to be so much fun. And you are a badass! And that’s fun too. Badass women. Every one of us 🙂

  4. So glad you’re sticking with it. We’ll have a blast. Great cause. Lovely people. It’ll be a lot of fun.

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