So I have completed the “220 (days of exercise) in 2020,” 4 months ahead of schedule and am pretty damn pleased with myself. You should see my muscle definition!
I want to share a few thoughts I wish I had realized years ago because I spent the majority of my adult life struggling with weight loss and trying to make exercise part of that. As in, whenever I did any form of movement it was hoping that it would contribute to making my body smaller and more attractive. Sure, sure, healthy too but primarily smaller and more attractive. Thing is, exercise and weight loss are only loosely connected. Of course you can use it to burn calories and tip the scales in favour of weight loss but that’s not really the point because nutrition is the major determining factor here. And then of course the entire story of weight cycling and just how damaging that is etc.
Not all of HAES (Health at Every Size) is a good fit for me and the way I think about my body but the part of the HAES movement I can absolutely get behind of is this: large bodies still need to be treated well, just as medium sized or small bodies do. These things are independent of each other. Bodies need good nutrition; they need rest and they need movement. They need doctor’s visits and they need mental health support because being flooded with stress hormones 24/7 is a pretty damn damaging thing to a body.
So that is what this exercise thing is about, a part of the self-care puzzle. I used to buy into the idea that self-care is letting myself off the hook and eating whatever and how much I want to eat, relax on the sofa and have a good time with smoke and drink if I fancied it. But really there’s nothing self-caring or self-compassionate about it because at the end of the day no matter what stories we tell ourselves about it, that doesn’t change biological reality. Well at least I don’t buy into that whole “affirmation changing reality” thing.
Now don’t get me wrong, this is hard. First of all, it’s years and decades of thinking one way and then trying to change that. It takes time and effort and while I do have “an acre of greens” in the fridge as my partner lovingly mocks it, and have had for years, it’s really hard to get away from the constant barrage of treat food that isn’t really a treat given that it’s a daily feature, so more like a staple. There’s the time, money, effort and all those things. I have actually realized that working out regularly is easier than eating well regularly because for exercise you’re done at some point in the day. Complete a morning workout and you can feel good about yourself for the rest of the day, knowing that any additional movement is good and likely but still, you’ve done the thing. Eating well, relaxation, mental health practices etc are much harder because it requires a sustained effort throughout all waking hours and a litany of decision points. So, it’s hard and requires a mindset of learning and growing rather than all or nothing on/off the wagon thinking.
So what did I do this year for the exercise thing? I just started, focusing on the things I felt I could do. There has been a lot of walking and especially initially I did a fair bit of semi guided dance sessions. Body groove on demand is really really good for that because it is very inclusive of many abilities, genders, bodies and ethnicities. I felt very much represented by the cast in the videos and it was fun. It helped me gain some confidence in my ability to move and to show up, which in itself is maybe the most important skill to develop.
I then went through a series of programmes on daily burn, there are some beginner ones that helped with the whole thing of getting into the spirit of doing uncomfortable things. Like getting down on the ground and up again repeatedly or like sticking to the exercise for a few seconds longer etc. Then moved on to more demanding ones, I like kickboxing and circuit training, barre, yoga and pilates.
The rewarding part has been trying to increase my ability to do things. For example, there’s a pilates move I just can’t do so I found a ten minute video (on Pilatesology) that is a preparation for that move. Still working on being able to do a full push up, or burpee, clean lunges, and so on. It’s rewarding to feel stronger just for the sake of feeling stronger. And more agile, mobile, fit. Whatever size or whatever appearance.
Below is my gym. This, and a sports bra if you are of the booby persuasion is plenty. Onwards to 300!
TabeaD is a university lecturer and enjoys gardening, crafting and making art. After struggling with her weight as a very large person for decades, she has started to increasingly explore ways to drop the struggle and make peace with her body while finding ways to be healthy and active. Over the years she has engaged in swimming, various forms of dance, tai chi, yoga and weight training although she has struggled with consistency and motivation throughout, which has led her to engage in “220 in 2020.”