‘Running towards the danger’ in late in midlife

Some readers may recall that I recently turned 65 and wrote about the principles and lessons learned over the years with which I guide my life. One of things I decided to do in this year of 65 was to identify and embrace fears that may have limited some of my choices over the years.

I am both claustrophobic (having a fear of small spaces) and acrophobic (having a fear of heights). While I am afraid of other things — butterflies on great numbers, pressure cookers, spiders and large noisy dogs — I’ve learned to manage these fears within reason, largely by avoiding activities that may lead to one or the other. I have explored this topic elsewhere on the blog: here in dealing with fear in the gym and there about the pandemic, anxiety and mental wellness.

A couple of weeks ago, while visiting Ontario for a concert, we visited a rustic spa hotel in the middle of the Halibuton forest. As part of the holiday package, we went on a canopy tour. I had imagined this might be like other tours, where there were stable walkways circling ornamental gardens.

Dear readers, I had imagined incorrectly.

The canopy walk offered by the Haliburton Forest Reserve in Ontario has 26 suspension bridges covering .6km of the 100,000 acre reserve. The terrain varies in height from 10 metres to over 20. Oh, and did I mention that we paddled to and from the the site in a traditional voyageur canoe and hiked to our ground school where we practiced clipping and unclipping our carabiners after we donned our harnesses and ropes?

Our lovely guide gave us tips on managing the bounce of the bridges made of planks about a foot wide (go by twos) and on handling possible vertigo (“look up or to the left or right, not down”).

Unlike a disastrous visit to Sagrada Familia, where I backed out of climbing down one of the newly opened corkscrew towers, or a more dignified exit from a Disney ride, where I noped right out to the scaredy-cat bench to the amusement of my child, I decided I was going to channel my inner Sarah Polley and “run towards the danger.” Polley, in her book of the same title, learns to move forward in her recovery from a severe concussion by doing the things she fears will trigger painful reactions. As my husband put it in his account of our adventure, “The advice she was given: you can live in fear of being hurt again, or you can choose to live life fully and run towards your fear.”

One of the things that helped was the fact that there was no scaredy-cat bench in the middle of the forest. There are only two directions, and that’s up and forward.

Surprisingly, I had fun and it was exhilarating. My heart beat faster and it was not only due to the amazing views. Yes, there were times when I asked myself why I thought this was a good idea, why the planks creaked more ominously when I stepped on them compared to others, or how it was possible the ground was so far away, but for the most part, it was a unique opportunity to walk in a forest and see things from a bird’s-eye view. We were also blessed with good weather and a small group. The deep forest quiet was soothing and energizing. Even the paddle back along the lake was peaceful.

I don’t know if I would do it again (but I am also not saying no), but I learned that facing your fears, especially in conditions where you have a measure of control, gives you confidence you might not feel otherwise. I’m looking forward to exploring more of what embracing fear means for me and how I can manage it before it can manage me.

MarthaFitat55 lives and works in Newfoundland and Labrador. She occasionally makes great leaps of faith. She intends to make more of them.