I was walking to work the other day with my friend Mima, and I was telling her a story about being ignored in a local butcher shop. I mentioned, “you know, the invisible middle-aged woman” to which she replied “we are middle-aged?”
The story involved a “chi-chi locally grown, ethically raised meat shop” which typically has stellar service. But this day, I happened to go in midday when there was only one other person in the shop. One male clerk was assisting the other male customer. Another male clerk was in the back and after a minute or two started making his way to the front. I thought to help me, but he started chatting with the other customer. The other customer now had two clerks helping him for what seemed like a long time and I decided I didn’t need the chicken sausages I was planning to buy for dinner. One of the clerks saw me start to leave and he said “I’ll be a minute” and I said “it’s OK, I don’t think he needs both of you helping him so long while I’m waiting, but thanks.”
It may sound as though I am impatient and testy on occasion. This is true. However, I am conscious that as women get older they feel that they become increasingly invisible. In fact, later that day, I was at Metro picking up stuff for dinner. There was a massive lineup to get out because of the after-work crowd. These lines typically move pretty quickly, but I noticed a woman out of the corner of my eye, who had clearly been having a bad day. She was probably 10 years older than me, so I mean, who knows what type of slights she already experienced that day. She had clearly run out of patience that day and upon eyeing the lineup, she loudly exclaimed “this is f*cking ridiculous and dropped her bananas and a couple of other items in a huff and stormed out of the shop. I see and hear you, sister, and I hope your day got better after that.
When walking on a crowded sidewalk, or in the underground path, I often think in my head “do you not see me?” when I am trying to yield slightly to the right, but the other person is oblivious to the need to yield and I need to quickly move out of the way before getting elbowed. One of the reasons I was never a fan of dance clubs, is that I always felt that if someone was going to be knocked repeatedly, as if I was not seen as an obvious human obstruction to go around, it was going to be me. I have never felt comfortable waiting to “work in” at the squat rack at the gym, as I feel I have to make myself seen, if I want a chance to do my reps (and part of the reason I don’t go to a conventional gym). So, there was always a feeling of invisibility inside me.
I do feel as though it is happening more often, but does it happen to everyone, regardless of age, gender, attractiveness? Should I care? Just get over it? I mean mostly, I notice it and move on, but it doesn’t feel very badass (or feminist) of me to care whether I am seen or not.
I’ve heard other women lament that they don’t feel seen in the same way as when they were younger, fresher, “sexier”. That there’s no flirtatious banter or glances with men in public places. I rarely felt like I was the recipient of such (random) flirtations, or if I was, I wasn’t aware of it, even when younger, so what I am feeling these days relates to a broader sense of the world. To being seen. Period. As interesting, having something to say, something to give the world through a vocation.
Speaking of vocations, it is hard not to notice that opportunities geared towards “growing your career” or “learning leadership” skills in the corporate world tend to be geared towards younger adults who are just starting out, or people who are already in leadership roles (and looking for ways to enhance that role). I think that in an age where people are working longer than ever and typically will have more than one career, there is a gap for those of us who are still “looking for opportunities for growth” and are well into middle age. This can be disheartening if we are still looking for ways to make our mark.
Invisible Woman Syndrome, which apparently starts around 50, isn’t just a random nuisance. It is documented that it results in an absence of research, statistics, information about women’s health, particularly as they move beyond child-bearing age, which can be downright frustrating and dangerous.
One thing I know, in the scenario I described earlier in the butcher shop, I don’t feel as bad for leaving, showing my discomfort, as I might have before. I don’t beat myself up as much for acknowledging that I don’t like how I’m being treated at any given moment and stating it. I don’t think hours later, maybe I overreacted, should have stayed, shouldn’t have said what I did. As long as I wasn’t rude (I said it in a calm voice) I let it go (although what does that say about my acceptance of my own feelings of anger?). I am pleased with this evolution within myself. I’ll acknowledge any benefit of my current age/state of mind that I can.
Most of the time, I think I am at a great age/time. I love where I live. I am newly in love. I still feel as though I have time (and fortunately, good health*) to consider ways I can have purpose and be of service, whether through my career or otherwise. I am also more likely these days to seek out different opportunities, even if they are small. To say yes to things like writing for this blog.
Have you had an experience of feeling invisible that you attribute to being a middle-aged, or older woman? Does it bother you?
* kein ayin hora* – just throwing in some Yiddish there for good measure – “may the evil eye stay away”