Just jog and smile

Recently, I wrote about how I had been experiencing vestibular issues that were interrupting my regular scheduled jogging. It was also making me walk with trepidation as the world did not feel stable. Not to mention what it was doing to my ego. I run, partly, for mental health. Was my mental health affecting my ability to walk and run? 

Today I had my first steady jog for over 9km. It wasn’t my fastest time ever but I was able to jog consistently and smile while doing so. 

What have I done since I started experiencing balance issues? 

I called in professional help. 

I spoke to my doctor about this new experience and how it seemed to be anxiety induced. We discussed options. We agreed, in my case, it was best not to avoid walking or trying to jog. I have a history of anxiety affecting others activities and avoiding those activities have just made it worse. I didn’t want this to happen to my experience with walking and running. We decided I didn’t need SSRIs for now. He agreed to give me a prescription for low dose Ativan, with a limited number of pills and repeats, in case I needed them for panic moments. I’ll come back to this. I had already been on a wait list to see an obgyn (or at least I thought I was but my dr hadn’t entered the referral properly). my dr sent a new referral to an obgyn so I can talk to them about possible hormonal causes. 

I started doing grounding and breathing exercises to try to calm my anxiety and to try and give me a feeling of stability when I went out for a walk or jog. 

I went to see a physiotherapist who ruled out specific conditions. All roads continued to point to anxiety induced vertigo and he gave me some balance exercises to work on and I have been checking in with him weekly. 

I tried to give myself a break. Even though I felt shook up about this new problem and didn’t understand why it had become a problem, all of the sudden, I told myself to get over it and be nicer to myself. 

I kept at it. I sang Natalie Merchant and Taylor Swift (yes, not sorry) and I listened to Julia Louis-Dreyfus” Wiser Than Me (if you haven’t seen it, she won a Webby for this podcast yesterday and in her acceptance speech she simply said, “Listen to old women, Motherfuckers!”. I agree. 

Some walks were better with mantras such as, “my feet are strong, my head is strong” and, “run towards the danger” (thank you, Sarah Polley), my old standby, “I am. I can. I will. I do. Envision. Thank you”. Also, just, “thank you”. I said that a lot. Thank you universe for this moment. Thank you to whatever is working – and whatever is not, too.

Some walks were still not great. After a week of much better walking, some successful, stop-and-start jogging, I was feeling better until I had a day with some “wonky walking”. I felt frustrated even though my physio had warned me this would be normal, it wouldn’t be a perfectly, linear, experience. I persevered and even that wonky walking day ended better than expected. And, two days later, I enjoyed a successful 4+km jog.

I will add here that out of the 10 Ativan tablets I had stashed in my purse, I have only used 2 and none this week. I didn’t want to have to rely on them to run.

I have also talked to friends about my issue. As with many things, when you start talking to friends, you will often hear that they have experience similar things. It’s helpful knowing you have good company. 

Also, I continued going to the gym. I felt fine at the gym. I tried to jog, even the short distance, to the gym, and celebrate whatever wins happened there. Before having vestibular issues, I wouldn’t have tracked such a short jog in Strava, but every little bit counts now. To me. Yes, I know. Only to me. 

At the gym, I continued to enjoy feeling strong and working out with friends. Yesterday’s conditioning workout included shuttle runs outside the gym, on the sidewalk. I was a little nervous that I would have a problem. But it was fine. I’m sure having my friend Laura next to me helped. I also think those shuttle runs helped me with my jog this morning. 

I got up today, had my coffee, completed my NYT puzzles, did a 10 min yoga for grounding and stability, added some alternate nostril breathing and set out. 

Instead of my usual, “you are strong” or “I am. I can..etc.”, I started out with, “Just jog and smile”. I kept repeating that. Maybe a fluke, but it worked. I ran just shy of 10km at a steady pace. There were moments I forgot I had a problem. Thank you. To the universe. Thank you.