“Always look for the helpers. There will always be helpers.”
Fred Rogers (from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood) shared this advice during a 1999 interview. He was referring to the chaos of modern life and how it seems like bad and scary things are happening increasingly nowadays. His answer to this was advice his mother gave him when he was a kid: “Always look for the helpers. There will always be helpers.”
Like anything, these days, you will find critiques of how this quote has been misunderstood, used in an unhelpful way. But, when I was thinking about what I wanted to say this morning, this quote came to mind. How I choose to intepret this quote today is that Mr. Rogers was teaching his audience to always seek out hope in the world. He is also saying that each of us should behave in a way as to exhibit hope in the world, choosing actions that demonstrate grace, solidarity, and love. We shouldn’t just look for the helpers. We should be the helpers.
I haven’t felt like a good helper lately. I’ve felt like a failure in some ways. I feel inept in helping my Mom who has been in (at-home) hospice care for several months. I feel inept caring for my aging dogs. I feel I haven’t done things I should have done when they were younger so that they may be aging in better ways. When my shih-tzu, Barley, wouldn’t eat one morning, despite trying a number of options, and my mind started thinking the worst, I broke down and wondered why I didn’t look after his teeth better, over time.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m honestly describing some of the real emotions I have been experiencing lately. I can be a caring, loving, helpful person. But, I can also be tired, impatient, selfish..inept.
I can point to all kinds of reasons why I may be tired. Impatient. Feel the need for ease in my days, which can make me feel selfish. The news about the current global political landscape, which can present real danger for some, can be stressful to digest, on a day-to-day basis. I can spend days on end, in my work, trying to look for ways I can provide a tiny bit of help for vulnerable people in crisis. Sometimes, at the end of the day, my brain hurts from it all. That brain needs sleep, but then, I am finding myself having too many nights of lacklustre sleep and I don’t bounce back from that, as easily, as I once did.
Typically, the things that buoy my spirits (and, potentially, add to my “healthspan“?) are time with my husband, friends and family, fitness, nourishing food and good coffee.
Then there was my experience at a gym last week. This is what I wrote on my personal FB feed, earlier this week,
“AITA middle aged gym enthusiast edition – or – if a gym says who they are, believe them?
Over the years, I have gravitated towards smaller gyms. The kind where there is a small group of regulars who build community, while, meeting regularly, to lift weights, go through a HIIT circuit or cheer each other on as we workout in a park during a pandemic.
I love working out, when, in the right setting. One where we encourage each other to lift as much weight as safely possible, but in which we don’t do things simply for the sake of competition or trying to see physicsl results.
Recently, I had to find a new place to workout. After trying a number of places, I landed on a small place with familiar coaches and members for strength workouts, during the week. Those same coaches do an outdoor beach workout in nice weather, but, during the colder months i’ve been going to a big, Cross-fit style gym for Saturday conditioning workouts. OA.
For the few months I’ve been going to OA, occasionally, I haven’t really loved it. It’s a huge, garage-style space. It’s packed all the time with classes holding around 65 people. A lot of the people are easy going but many of them exude competitive “bruh” energy. That kind of atmosphere doesn’t, typically, inspire me. However, once I would get past that energy, the workouts were good. I knew it wasn’t a forever place but it was fine for now.
Often, I don’t know anyone there and I sit, quietly, a little anxious about what is on the menu that day, because, as much as I love to workout, there are some common stations I have to modify. In my usual gyms that’s no problem. I have never been sure how that would go over at OA. However, I have successfully, completed and enjoyed, enough workouts there, that I was starting to feel comfortable.
This morning, I was in a good mood, feeling positive, ready with one of my workout buddies, for a change, so I didn’t feel as “alone in a crowd”.
The coach, part-owner of OA, went through the demo on his mic (again, massive space). A couple times, me, one of 65 people, said, in what I thought was a low mumble, “oh that’s a new one”. I certainly wasn’t talking loudly and not throughout the demo. I am quite familiar with gym etiquette. Sometimes the small group of us at the smaller place catch up during the warm-up, but that is totally different.
Anyway, the coach comes over to me (currently smiling and positive) and schools me in a hostile manner about the etiquette during demos and that he could hear me throughout and in this place they ask people not to talk during the demo. He made it sound like I had been rudely, loudly, conversing throughout the whole demo. Even if that was the case, there’s a way to handle it, nicely. I said, “you mean when I mentioned that was a new move?”. He responded, with a very hostile tone, “yes, if you don’t like it, you can leave”.
I was so shocked and I said, I didn’t need this, and left. My friend offered to join me but I encouraged her to stay. I wish I was the type of person to shrug it off, and stay for the workout that I had been looking forward to, but I am not. I left, talked to staff in the front, who were very nice and said it wasn’t the first time that something like this has happened and said a manager would call me. I said that was fine, but, I want my money back for remaining passes.
I know this is small potatoes. Not a big deal in grand scheme of things. But the experience left me feeling frustrated and angry, and, let’s just say, didn’t start my day off great.
I should have listened to my feelings about the vibe about the place. It told me who it was. I know well enough that the workout alone is important but the culture in which it’s offered matters.
AITA? Would you have stayed and worked out?”
Since writing the above account of my experience at OA, last week, I have received a refund for unused passes. The administrative staff have apologized (in the way people do when they can’t say too much because they still work there). Many people have told me this behaviour by the coach/owner is not unusual. My friend has also requested, and received, a refund.
The experience at OA last Saturday didn’t help my mood for a few days. I felt annoyed and angry about the whole thing. I thought about writing a Google review. I thought about ways to rant about bullies and how people enable them. But, then, as the week went on I decided that I didn’t want to keep this experience or the negative feelings in my mind. I am not looking for revenge. I am looking for peace.
Since the experience, last week, I have had great workouts, with like-minded coaches, in environments where I feel welcome.
In the past week, I have had heart-to-heart conversations with my husband, my sister, friends, about more important things in life (than the experience last week at the gym). I’m not saying that I don’t still feel like an inept person in some areas, but I also feel very grateful for the amazing support I enjoy in my life.
In the past week, I have had many conversations with my Mom, who can’t always finish a sentence these days without falling asleep and I am grateful for those conversations.
In the past week, I’ve enjoyed hosting book club at my place with people I’ve been friends with for many decades.
In the past week, I’ve been able to move my body in ways that I love (although I haven’t been able to run in awhile because of a snowy February in Toronto).
In the past week, I’ve enjoyed smiles from neighbours when trying to walk Barley, who in addition to having bad teeth, has ataxia, and his legs don’t work well, at the best of times, nevermind on icy, salty, sidewalks.
I am going to try to be a better daughter, neighbour, person in the world this week. I know I won’t be perfect. But I will look for the helpers. I will try to be a helper.
