Have y’all been watching the winter Olympics? Maybe it’s just me, but it’s seemed even more thrilling and entertaining and awe-inspiring than usual. The women’s speed-skating, women’s and men’s figure skating, the hockey, all those flipping and twirling skiers and snowboarders, the fast-fast-fast downhillers– just wow. And of course the suspenseful curling.
But the ski mountaineering just blew my mind. Skimo is absolutely my worst nightmare of an athletic event. It requires the participants (who must have been willing at some point, though I don’t understand why) to ski uphill, taking off their skis to walk/trot up an inexplicable staircase, put said skis back on, trudge/trot to the top, take the skis skins off (making sure to put them safely in a pouch), and then ski downhill on light-and-skinny skis in an act that one commentator said was like “skiing a steep downhill on two pieces of dried pasta”.
That sounds terrible.
But then, I thought, maybe that’s what makes this sport so appealing– it’s the most tiring, challenging sport they could think of.
But, could we help them out and offer suggestions to make it even harder? I think we can. Here are some ideas I came up with.
1) Like the cross country ski race entrant Nazgul, the Czechoslovakian wolf dog (not to be confused with Heated Rivalry’s stupid Canadian wolf bird), they should allow dogs on the trail. Petting will be permitted, but competitors may not commandeer dog treats for themselves during the race.
2) For the relay races, participants should have to stand in line to buy another lift ticket. They need to make sure they have their credit cards ready, as the Olympic vendors won’t take cash.
3) Like the Tour de France, they could have photographers and team coaches on Sno-Cats, rumbling up and down the hills in between the competitors. Having them shout “go faster!” would be optional.
4)Allow spectators all along the course, screaming, partying, encouraging them with cowbells, and offering them beer hand ups during the stairs part of the race. Non-alcoholic of course, as this IS he Olympics. Honestly, I’m not sure if this will make their job easier or harder. The only way to know for sure is to try it.
5) Require that each competitor take at least 4 selfie photos and post them on social media during the race. So much of what happens doesn’t “officially count” unless it’s been posted, so why not include race results in that category? 🙂 Extra points for selfies with a spectator, and double extra points for a selfie with a dog on the course.
So, readers– any other ideas to make this sport even more chaotic and difficult? I welcome your suggestions.