CW: discussion of body weight, weight gain and body shaming.
This week in the New York Times Ethicist column (written by a famous and very good and very nice philosopher, Kwame Anthony Appiah), the featured question was by a couple who expressed their concern about their adult daughter’s weight.
Okay, I guess there are people on the planet that haven’t yet gotten the memo that talking to people about their weight is virtually always (as a philosopher I admit that maybe there’s some strange exceptional case, but I can’t think of one) the wrong thing to do.
Basically, the daughter used to take dance classes, which the parents really liked. But she doesn’t dance now, and they think she eats too much sugar and fat in her diet. They ask for advice from the Ethicist, wrapping it up this way:
She may be headed for a serious weight problem. How can we raise this with her without making her feel self-conscious or judged, and without pushing her away from us? We love and respect her and want to see her live a healthy life. Please advise!
This would now be the perfect time for the Ethicist to say, kindly:
Be quiet. Do not talk to her about this. Say nothing. Shhh!
But no. He didn’t do that. Instead he said this (an excerpt from his response here from the New York Times):
If the undertone of your concern is nostalgia for the lean dancer she used to be, she will hear it, no matter what words you choose, and you’ll only push her away.
If, however, what you truly want is to support her well-being, then speak to her as an adult, with respect and candor, rather than as a child whose body you wish were different. That means keeping the focus on health and family history. Make sure she knows the concern comes from love, not disappointment — that your concern is for her well-being, not her waistline.
Well, the NYT commenters had other thoughts.
There were 1.1K comments this week, and, while I didn’t read all of them, they were pretty much of one voice about talking to the daughter (or anyone, ever) about their weight. Here’s one of my favorite comments:
Don’t comment on others’ weight. Never. Not when they’re pregnant, not when they’ve lost weight, not when they’ve gained weight, not when they have cancer. It is never helpful.
Some folks in the comments section were genuinely interested in whether there was something you COULD say that would be helpful. Here’s how that went:
“There has to be a way to productively comment on someone’s weight in a way that will help them.”
If that were true, don’t you think we would’ve hit on it by now?
Yep. Totes agree.
I liked this response, too:
To the mother asking “Should I tell my daughter I’m concerned about her weight?” – Trust me: you already have.
Many commenters told stories about having been fat-shamed by family and then distancing themselves in order to maintain their own well-being. Others maintained contact but still feel the hurt. They all agreed:
Just don’t do it. Ever.
Lots of questions about personal interactions are complicated. This one isn’t. The NYT commenters have spoken.
