On Friday I wondered about finding motivation to do hard things from a place of compassion rather than self-criticism. What might that look like?
Dr. Jud Brewer, a neuroscientist and psychiatrist at Brown University, discusses this in a podcast interview with Dan Harris (10% Happier, Jan. 27, 2025). He describes how we cling to our habits, which we experience as a craving, and how curiosity and self-compassion, rather than willpower and discipline, can release us from the patterns inscribed in our minds.
For me, the insanity of thinking the same ugly thought over and over, expecting a different result, came home during a recent heat wave. I found myself burning up during an easy 10 km run. It was early in the day and the temperature was around 22 degrees Celsius—not a problem for the women I run with. But for this fair English flower, heat is a killer. I had forgotten how quickly I wilt as the temperature climbs and, on that morning, I only felt my failure to keep up. The inner critic started chirping: “Train more, train harder, force your body to adjust to the heat.” In the days that followed, I let myself be curious about those thoughts. Why did I feel a need to run in the heat? There is a beautiful lake waiting for me! The gym where I’ve been strength training lately is air conditioned. I reflected on why running seemed so important, this year, why I’m not remembering the summers when I’ve trained for triathlons, instead. Was it because I have been disappointed in my last two marathon finishes? Probably.
A few days later, I set out on another 10 km. It was hot, but early enough that the temperature was bearable, just, for me. I came around a corner at 5 km and stared down a long avenue of open, sun-drenched pavement. To my left was a side street lined with shady trees. I turned and made my way down the cool sidewalk, setting my route along whichever roads offered me shade. At the end of the run, I walked into the lake to cool off.
What might finding the shady path look like on race day? My wise friend and health coach Stephanie Levine maps out how leading with self-compassion can work: “You are injured or not well prepared, so you shift your expectations. If you are well-prepared, healthy, and strong, you can celebrate for yourself what you have accomplished. If someone is ahead of you that you want to pass, it is a beautiful moment of strength rather than a desire to crush them.” So, to answer Friday’s question—”Can we be fierce and kind at the same time?”—the answer is “yes,” if by “fierce” we mean fiercely loving, toward ourselves and others.
(One for the summer reading list: Kristin Naff’s Fierce Self-Compassion).
