My work has been quite challenging lately. I have been an adrenaline junkie for years and usually just power through the difficult times, refusing to acknowledge even to myself that maybe this isn’t healthy.
I have known since forever that I hold stress inside. I can remember my mom telling me as a young teen that I needed to learn to let my feelings out because I was like a pressure cooker; one day I was going to blow my lid and probably put a hole in the ceiling.
I never did blow, channeling that stress into my muscles instead. This has definitely not been healthy. There have been times when I have managed staying awake during long drives by doing frequent shoulder checks because my neck was so tight the pain revived me instantly. Do not recommend!
Last week, I had a massage so deep yet painful that it almost made me cry. Toward the end, suddenly felt a bit of a headache coming on.
I decided to try and explore that feeling, rather than clamping it down (thanks for your many posts on exploring our feelings, Christine). It was uncomfortable, but also weirdly pleasant.
That pleasant feeling lasted up until yesterday when things got wild at work again. My back and neck were in knots, I had a headache, and my jaw was sore from clenching at the end of the day. I made a conscious effort to accept that my body was telling me to pay attention, then had a good supper and did some physio exercises and yoga stretches to try and let them go.
Growing up in the era of second-wave feminism, it has been hard for me to show any sign of weakness (though I’m really good at being a fierce advocate for third and fourth wave feminist goals). My word of the year is explore. I think it’s high time I start exploring how to be a little gentler with myself.
