It’s March, which means it’s Women’s History Month. I didn’t know this until ten minutes ago, but every year there’s a theme. This year’s theme is “Women Who Advocate for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion”. That sounds great to me.
My Philosophy of Race students and I are reading a new book: “Legacy: A Black Physician Reckons with Racism in Medicine”, by Dr. Uche’ Blackstock. Dr. Blackstock writes about both her experience in medical training and her mother’s experience as a black doctor (her sister is a physician as well). She offers critique of and suggestions for improving racial and gender equity in the US healthcare system. This book seems like a good fit for this year’s theme.
If I may, though: I’d like to propose another, perhaps corollary theme: “Advocating by Apologizing Less about Everything”.
There are two reasons for my immodest proposal.
One: I am a big apologizer. Or rather, I used to be. These days, I pay a lot more attention to stating or requesting or explaining without a constant refrain of “I’m sorry”.
Not that apologizing is bad. In a short-lived job as wait staff one summer during grad school, I accidentally spilled an entire cupful of vinagrette dressing on a customer’s shirt. She was as gracious as possible, given the situation, but lavish apologies were definitely needed (and given). I lasted about another week in that restaurant, which was probably six days more than I should have stayed.
People who are also apologizers will relate, though. I have to work hard not to tell people I’m sorry for so many things, among them:
- sweating, especially when other people aren’t
- slowness of walking/biking
- breathing hard from exertion, like when climbing lots of stairs
- being red- or pink-faced (even though my skin just does that)
- stopping for a (mental or physical) break in whatever activity I’m doing
- being tired or fatigued or done
- being sick or injured
A lot of my tendencies to apologize are about my body and its functioning. Being part of this blog community helps me with my own internalized fatphobia and ageism. I see and read about self-acceptance and am committed to moving forward with fewer apologies about my current body, which is very nicely taking me lots of places and doing interesting things for me. Consider me a non-apologetic work in progress.
No, I didn’t forget the second reason. Here’s reason two for my March apology reduction plan:
There’s a new book out called “All in Her Head: The Truth and Lies Early Medicine Taught Us About Women’s Bodies and Why It Matters Today” by Dr. Elizabeth Comen, addressing the ways women have been made to ignore or endure or apologize for or simply die from medical conditions that their (mostly male) physicians refused to see or treat. In this NY Times review, we read that Dr. Comen has been on the receiving end of so many apologies from her women patients:
In her two decades as a physician, Dr. Comen has found that women are constantly apologizing to her: for sweating, for asking follow-up questions, for failing to detect their own cancers sooner.
“Women apologize for being sick or seeking care or advocating for themselves,” she said during an interview in her office: “‘I’m so sorry, but I’m in pain. I’m so sorry, this looks disgusting.’”
We all know that women’s health has been ignored or shunted aside and often labeled as “hysteria”, which apparently was a) women’s fault; b) psychopathological; and c) not deserving of any treatment. Dr. Comen provides an overview of the historical mistreatment of women by medical systems and practitioners, and then offers suggestions for advocating for ourselves and getting support as patients.
One look at the comments section of the review showed me how much this message resonates with women. CW: the stories the commenters share include trauma and mistreatment. One woman tells a story of being in the ER in excruciating pain while a doctor yells at her, telling her to “admit” she’s pregnant, when in fact she had a ruptured appendix. Take a look if you are feeling up to it.
So, more’s the reason for spending this month practicing not apologizing for ourselves– our bodies, our needs, our feelings, our experiences, our aches and pains and ills, all the things that make up our daily life. Self-love and self-acceptance mean not having to say you’re sorry (at least not so often).
Happy Apology Reduction Month!
Readers, are you big apologizers? Do you subscribe to the “never apologize, never explain” view? I’d love to hear from you.
