While my many years of grappling with depression seem now to be behind me I now get to unpack my anxiety and other mental health challenges.
Exercise has done wonders for my confidence. I’ve tried things, they work out or not, and nothing bad happens.
The weird thing is I can have a great week of running bracketed by a really crappy bike ride. Smiling and feeling great mushed around crying and negative self talk.
I had a pretty shit 60 km bike ride a couple weeks ago with Victor, Sam and Michel. I was tired. I hadn’t biked at all for 2 months and it was colder than I had the gear for.
I want to say that the first half was fine but I had a huge anxiety attack as we left town.
What am I thinking? I can’t do this! Who am I kidding? I’m lazy and stupid and there’s no way I can do a 600 km ride next year. Nope. No way. I’m an idiot.
I admitted to Sam I was having a moment. It quickly passed and the ride up into Ilderton felt good.
When we got out in the wind I was quickly chilled to the bone and was miserable from Ilderton home. Openly miserable. Crying. We got into London and I was shivering, cramping and really tired. We were in traffic and I totally lost my shit, so much so I had to go up onto the sidewalk and wail. I cried and sobbed so hard Michel asked if he should get the car. I couldn’t stop crying and wailing. It was so embarrassing. Thankfully the heavy traffic drowned out my ruckus.
I got back on my bike and we toddled the rest of the way home.
It took my a couple hours to warm up and be ok.
After food, warming up and showering I put my tiara on and got on with my life.
I don’t know why cycling taps deep into my anxiety or why when I really push my comfort zone I’m reduced to a wailing woman who sounds like a six year old. My body adapts quickly to activity but it’s the head game that I struggle with.
I only got back on my bike this week for two short spinning stints on my trainer. I’m trying to be kind to myself and realize it’s going to be ok. Of course I can train up to do the PWA 600 km Bike Rally for Life. I went from cycling 20 km to 60 km in two months, I got up to 100 km and did 3 or 4 of those this season.
So when I feel like this:
I need to remember I also more often feel like this on my bike:
And if you ever see me losing my shit on the side of the road, don’t worry, it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. I’ll ask for help if I need it but sometimes I just need to wail a bit before I move on.
