body image · fitness

Loving my post-mastectomy body (Guest Post)

Michelle Lynne Goodfellow

Michelle Lynne Goodfellow - September 2015

So I was diagnosed with breast cancer this summer, and had a double mastectomy in September. I’m crushing this cancer thing so far. This blog post is a follow-up to three posts (about how I learned to fight breast cancer from doing martial arts, was super excited to be getting my breasts cut off, and had a boudoir photo shoot before my surgery) that I wrote this summer about my breast cancer, sports and body image.

If you’ve read my story, you may be wondering if things have panned out the way I anticipated. Am I still feeling upbeat about my diagnosis and prognosis? Am I as happy as I expected to be without breasts? Do I love my new body?

Yes, yes and yes.

According to the medical professionals involved in my treatment (nurses who’ve assessed and tended my incisions; my surgeon; my registered massage therapist), I’m healing at a blisteringly fast rate. I have nothing to compare my experience to – I’ve never had any other surgery. What I know for sure is that I don’t feel held back in any way since having my breasts cut off.

I had a few very short (seconds-long) moments of panic before my operation, but they passed as soon as I noticed them. I was calm (and bored) while I waited in “surgical daycare” (yes, that’s what it’s called) before my noon-hour date with the knife. I remember being pretty nonchalant immediately after I woke up from the anesthetic.

They sent me home about three hours after I left the operating room. I was cared for in the week following my surgery by my mom and a dear family friend.

The pain was bad. I will say that. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain (I barely noticed when I broke my collarbone and dislocated my a/c joint last fall), so I expected the surgical pain to fade quickly. Many women I’d spoken to had been able to quit their narcotics within three or four days of their mastectomies. That wasn’t my experience. The pain was an excruciating, burning sensation that covered a large area where my breasts used to be, and the narcotics they gave me didn’t touch it. (I stopped taking any kind of painkiller after about a week, since nothing seemed to help.) The pain was worse when I stretched or moved, so I became very tentative about moving too vigorously, and I couldn’t bear to be touched around my incision, or even wear tight clothing.

I sought help for the pain twice, but the doctors didn’t seem to have anything to recommend. They kept telling me to wait and see if the pain got better. Thankfully I have an excellent registered massage therapist who does myofascial work, and with my surgeon’s okay I started massage treatment 2 1/2 weeks after surgery to work on the tissue adhesions and restrictions around my incisions. I experienced an astonishing reduction in my pain after only one treatment, and after my second treatment was almost completely pain free. I would highly recommend myofascial work to anyone who’s had surgery. There are still many numb areas across my chest that may never recover feeling, but they don’t bother me.

The surgeon gave me exercises to do after surgery to help with the range of motion in my arms, and I had good range of motion within a week of surgery. The massage therapy has helped with range of motion as well. With my surgeon’s okay, I resumed my aikido practice two weeks after my surgery, and was immediately doing full practice with full contact and advanced breakfalls. I’ve lost nothing in terms of strength or stamina as far as my aikido is concerned. It’s been very physically and emotionally healing for me to do aikido, and I feel blessed to be able to continue with my practice.

I started a new job two weeks after my surgery, and have regularly been putting in 10-hour days, trying to accumulate some lieu time before my chemotherapy starts. Quite honestly, most days I forget all about the breast cancer. Life is good.

And I absolutely love my new body. Going through life without breasts is easy. It was an adjustment at first to see myself in the mirror – I look so different. I lost 40 pounds in the five months before my surgery, so I literally have a completely different body now that my breasts are gone. Plus I got my hair cut before surgery, so that I could donate it pre-chemo. It’s taken a few weeks to figure out what kind of clothes I like to wear now, but that part has been fun.

I’m not looking forward to some of the more troubling side-effects from chemo, but I won’t mind losing my hair. I’m more concerned about feeling weak and tired, and possibly having to give up aikido for a time.

My odds of surviving cancer aren’t the very best they could be – I’m pre-menopausal, had an invasive cancer that was sensitive to estrogen and progesterone, had five tumours in my right breast, the largest of which was 4 cm, and one of my lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. But I’m so happy to be alive right now, in this moment. I’m going to die someday; whether it’s 25 years from now or 25 months from now, I don’t want to waste my time worrying about how I’ll die.

I want to walk in the sunshine when it’s sunny, and dance in the rain when it pours. And flip upside-down, unharmed, when I’m thrown.

___

You may also be interested in these blog posts by Michelle about her breast cancer experience:

Michelle Lynne Goodfellow works in nonprofit and small business communications by day, and also enjoys writing, taking photographs, making art and doing aikido. You can find more of her work at michellelynnegoodfellow.com. Michelle has also written about her breast cancer journey on her blog, Kitchen Sink Wisdom.

Published by Michelle Lynne Goodfellow

I'm a writer, artist and maker who makes a ruckus.

23 thoughts on “Loving my post-mastectomy body (Guest Post)”

  1. Thank you for sharing this, it’s definitely going to help people. (btw, if I may be allowed, you look fantastic, great haircut and the color of the cami really suits you)

    As the daughter of a woman who died from breast cancer and the sister of a breast cancer survivor, I always wonder what I would do, how I would feel, what the recovery would be like. (especially for an athlete) Debating whether to get the genetic test, knowing that if it came back positive I’d likely feel I should have prophylactic mastectomy, and I wouldn’t want reconstruction. So few people – it seems – opt out of reconstruction that your piece is very helpful and reassuring that it could be a good decision. And I appreciate you sharing that myofascial release (which I love for athletic or other issues) was helpful, and that you’re happy with your decision.

    I wish you all the best and send good vibes, will follow you on your journey. Again, thank you for sharing your experience, thoughts, decisions, and feelings in a difficult and challenging time.

    1. Thanks M. I have two grandmothers and one aunt who had breast cancer (I’m getting genetic counselling later this year so that we can find out if it’s a genetic cancer), and like you I always wondered what I’d do, too. I hope it’s reassuring to hear that things have unfolded much the way I expected, and that I’m thriving.

      Thanks for your good wishes.

  5. I lost someone very important to me last year for cancer (gallbladder, not breast, but still). Reading your story, it makes me sad that my aunt didn’t have the chance to be you: full of life, full of attitude. Makes me sad that she died so soon. On the other hand, your very existence fills me with hope – hope that there can be not only life, but happiness, satisfaction, freedom, despite cancer. I needed to read your story today and I thank you for sharing it.

    1. Thanks for that beautiful comment, Arashi. I absolutely believe that there can be life, happiness, satisfaction and freedom alongside cancer.

  6. Thank you for sharing your story. Three of my close friends have gone through breast cancer treatment in the past 2 years, and it is helpful for all of us to tell and hear our stories. God bless you!

  7. Michelle, my heart goes out to you, though I cannot possibly understand what you are going through.

    I was blessed to be married to a marvelous woman, Joy. We were married for 31 years. She went to be with the Lord October of 2013.

    Joy had a single mastectomy three years prior to our marriage. She lived for 34 years after her surgery. There were never any signs of any other cancers during those years. I pray you will be as blessed.

    There is a doctor in Texas, Dr. Stanislaw Burzynski. He is gaining quite a following of patient survivors. I have much information about him on my website, http://www.takethebadwiththelousy.com, under the heading, Fight-Against-Cancer-Doctor Ends. This is offered as positive personal edification. God forbid, should you encounter future problems, you might choose to look him up.

    Your writing is superb. God bless…

    Bill

    1. Thank you for sharing your wife’s story, Bill, and for your prayers.

  8. Thank you, Michelle, for this positive and realistic update. I’m loving the body-love expressed in this post! Good luck with the chemo.

    1. Thanks Tracy. I’ve enjoyed your posts about body image and positivity in the past, and I have to say I’m thrilled with my reaction to my current body. It feels so amazing (after a lifetime of subtle body dysmorphia) to love the body I’m in.

  10. incredible story. Never fought anything like cancer but death with a debilitating concussion; I so admire people with your confidence and happiness.

  11. Hi,
    Thank you for sharing your story ! You are a amazing person in and out. You are one strong soldier. I was reading this with a smile on my face because I love to see people in a great mood going though this type thing , because most times I see people in a very low state of mind which I can not blame them but this can change someone outlook about it. I can not say it a enough you are a person.

  13. Glad you’re feeling okay and have recovered so well. It seems to be taking me a bit longer to bounce back – I had both testicles removed because of cancer. Although, this is due to difficulty in getting testosterone levels right. I’m fighting the good fight, though. One hurdle completed is body acceptance – I have elected not to worry about getting “the empty sack” filled with two silicone balls. Don’t need ’em. I wish you continued health.

    1. Good to hear from you, WheelHeung. Wishing you strength in your recovery.

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