I fended off worried comments from others about where it might lead. I drove out the thoughts that said not weighing myself meant I would gain weight. I resisted the temptation to step on the scale after 3, 6, 9 months, even a full year, just to ‘see’ if I should be worried.
And then I started Precision Nutrition’s Lean Eating program. And besides the monthly photos they had weekly measurements that included, you guessed it, a weight measurement.
At first I thought I could handle it. That weekly weighing wouldn’t make me feel like crap. Or even that it wouldn’t make me feel better. My hope at the time was that my year of not weighing myself might have helped me feel neutral about weight as a measure of anything. And for awhile it did. Maybe even for the duration of the program.
But now? Now! Ugh! As the number on the scale began to creep up again this summer, so did the usual obsessions. I won’t go into detail because petite women who hate their bodies and think they’re fat are tiresome. I know. But oh how awful it’s all become again.
So three weeks ago I packed it up and swore off it yet again. It’s not just that I feel horrible about gaining a bit of weight. I’ve done that many times before and survived it. It’s that I feel horrible about caring. It’s against everything I believe in to think that the scale tells me anything about who I am and what I’m about. And yet I have allowed the old bullshit to creep back into my head.
It’s become so loud that when I went shopping with a friend in Chicago a few weeks ago I consistently tried on clothes that were 2 sizes too big for me and when they didn’t fit properly I thought the clothing manufacturers were purposely putting smaller numbers on larger clothes (there is actually some evidence that this has happened over time). I felt convinced that the sizing was off and I didn’t actually take the smaller sizes I ended up having to try on if I liked something.
So the scale must go. What useful info did I ever think I’d get from it anyway? What’s wrong with going by how I feel, what I’m doing, whether I’m getting faster and stronger? Or sleeping enough? Or eating in a way that nourishes me and feels good?
And in any case the last time I ditched the scale I lived happier and didn’t gain any weight. Didn’t lose either but I spared myself the daily r weekly judgment about how ‘things’ were going.
No thanks. It’s time to say good-bye to my scale again. And hello to taking care of myself in ways that make me feel good. Feel free to join me. Chances are that for at least some of you out there the scale is doing you no good either.
